tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29591710319215991612024-02-19T04:50:06.419+00:00Nowhere-on-ThamesTriumphs and traumas of daily life in the suburban hinterland of a Thames-side village.Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-73495987453867262022013-06-03T23:18:00.000+01:002013-06-03T23:22:54.547+01:00Sorry sorry sorry….<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s all
gone a bit Pete Tong here in N-o-T of late, hence my lengthy absence from the
blogosphere, for which I apologise. I’m not apologising for not updating my own
ramblings, but I have been unable to devote the time I would like to the much
more enjoyable pastime of reading others’ updates.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When last I
wrote, we were dipping our toes into the waters of house moves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, those toes are now fully submerged, and
I am hoping to be able to keep my airways clear as I sink inexorably under a
mountain of “particulars” and try to cling to the wreckage of my happily
married life. </span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I
exaggerate only slightly. TH and I have started conducting our conversations
through rigid jaws and clenched teeth. It’s what moving house does to people,
apparently. </span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s like
this: after putting our house on the market, and sitting back to wait, what
actually happened was….nothing. And then, suddenly, people started wanting to
have a look at it, just when I was beginning to think that our happy home had
all the kerb appeal of a cave set in a dungheap. And, when they came, they made
offers. </span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The first
potential buyer appeared to think we should pay him to buy our house, and throw
in some Nectar points and our children. I have a feeling he believes that Phil
Spencer is a wimp, and that making an offer on a house involves taking the
asking price, halving it and then taking off 10% for his trouble. We politely
declined his derisory offer, at which point he came back with his architect to
elaborate upon his redevelopment plan for our home, and then reiterated his
derisory offer as he was by this time convinced that we would wish to help him
finance his extension. We politely declined a second time, at which point he
advised our agent that he would see if our house was still available once he
had sold his property, and perhaps make an offer again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God loves a trier!</span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Fortunately,
another buyer came along, obviating the need for buyer no.1 to renew his offer
yet again. After some negotiations, we agreed a sale price. However, the only
slight issue was that they wanted to move in during August if possible. The
fact that they had actually viewed our house before buyer no.1, gone away and
spent about six weeks messing about, and now want to move in within six weeks
was a slight niggle. </span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Having abandoned
our own search pending being in a position to buy, we now find that there isn’t
a house within a five mile radius of where we’d like to be that actually suits
our needs or our budget. Hence the teeth-gritting and marriage breakdown
issues. </span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As the
weather finally (and, no doubt, briefly) improves here in N-o-T, I find myself
driving over hill and dale, sometimes with TH (in a silence which no-one would
ever describe as “companionable”) past properties I’ve previously identified
online, whilst TH hits the accelerator and mumbles “Nah” having seen the
potential property in a blur at 45 mph from his rear-view mirror. If I’m alone,
I take the time to stop, at least, before mumbling my own “Nah”. But that, of
course, is different.</span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And, when I’m
not getting lost somewhere in the hinterland of Guildford, I’m embarking on a
new venture. </span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I was fully
intending to purchase a pottery kiln before TH announced his desire to move
house. I then decided that it might be better to wait till after “the move”.
However, I was then offered the chance to purchase a secondhand kiln, only a
few months old, for a bargain price, so I HAD to go for it. Having made a
significant investment, I now need to amortise this by actually selling some of
my wares.</span><br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As a
result, this weekend, I will be dipping my already sodden toes into yet another
pool: this time, the pool of the Craft Fair. I’m doubly apprehensive. Not only
will this be a test of the commercial potential of my crafts, it will be a
waste of an entire Saturday that should, by rights, be devoted to house-hunting
and jaw-gritting, in the passenger seat of TH’s speeding car.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am sorry
I’ve been so out of touch with the blogosphere. I promise I will try harder.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Aaaaaand
breathe!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Oh, and Pee Ess: We got all scrubbed up and posh two weeks ago and went up to London for our Garden Party with the neighbours. It was all very posh, and they even let us in through the front door, but I nearly died of hypothermia. Still, she does a nice round of sandwiches, and I couldn't fault the finger food, although after all these years I was expecting more than just a cup of tea. A small sherry for medicinal purposes would have gone down a treat.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-91340632744117364282013-04-03T18:59:00.000+01:002013-04-03T22:43:30.927+01:00I also eat babies....<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I love
animals. I always have, I always will. As you may know, I’m currently being
trained by two kittens, I have a tank full of fish which I saved from becoming a giant bouillabaisse, and I’ve managed not to
commit GBH on Horrible Horace, the Dog Next Door. No, I’ve gritted my teeth
(much like Horrible Horace did, but on that occasion he had a chunk of my leg
between the two halves of his doggy dentition) and let him be, even though he’s
probably the one animal I will <i>never</i> love.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’ve
fostered animals, rescued animals, raised money for them, loved them, paid
their vet bills and generally conducted myself well in all matters animal
related. However, I’m
somewhat perplexed at the moment. Let me explain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I flit and
flutter around the interweb on a regular basis, popping <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in on various forums, social networking sites
and blogs. However, I’ve noticed of late that, almost everywhere I go, there seems to
be little else to look at but a mass of adverts for rehoming, or, perhaps more
worrying, lost and stolen dogs and cats.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I don’t
have many “friends” on Facebook, but in the last week alone, between them they’ve
posted 15 photographs of injured or missing dogs and cats, from Land’s End to John
O’Groats , together with various updates on the 15 including the occasional
message of thanks when a pet is found. These latter, however, are quite rare.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So what’s
my problem with all this? Well, I
have a couple of problems with it, if I’m being honest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Firstly, I’m
getting beyond “compassion fatigue”. And the nature of social networking means
that if someone loses a dog in Scotland, I’ll get to hear about it, even though
the chances of said dog turning up anywhere near me are about as slim as those
of me being elected to Parliament. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Secondly,
whilst I understand the power of social networking, I also think that this
power is being hugely diluted by the sheer volume of these messages, and
however heartless I may sound (and I’m not, really, I’m not) I don’t visit
Facebook to read a list of missing animals.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Having
vented my spleen, I have to say that my other problem is perhaps a bigger one.
I simply don’t understand why so many dogs and cats appear to be being stolen.
Who on earth is stealing them and for what reason? Maybe it’s best I don’t
know, as I suspect the real reasons may be too awful to contemplate. Has this
always been the case, or is the Facebook phenomenon highlighting an existing
problem which never seemed to be large-scale because such instances were never
brought together in one place? I’m sure a proportion of these animals have
become lost, rather than having been stolen, but that does not detract from the
(seemingly) many cases of people who saw someone actually steal their dog, and
where the question of theft is not in doubt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I should
also say that it is a testament to the compassion of my friends on Facebook
that so many of them do take the trouble to spread the word about missing
animals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s me. I know it is. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQPhPVKxZ2TSLQzhQd2F_-1q72VUmzDC1M_ap-lrnv-ySI_9VNX" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQPhPVKxZ2TSLQzhQd2F_-1q72VUmzDC1M_ap-lrnv-ySI_9VNX" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Please post
your hate mail below…..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-74288031766918909112013-03-25T00:14:00.000+00:002013-03-25T00:17:58.999+00:00Of Spring bedding, spring cleaning and kaleidoscopes<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It's not been the best of weekends, and hopefully things are not going to get worse.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have been spending a lot of time "tidying up". Normally, this would involve shoving stuff into what little space remains in the nearest available cupboard, but I am dreading the prospect that, come the moment when we open the doors of N-o-T to prospective buyers, they may be killed as they try to investigate the storage space, only to be buried under an avalanche of things I was trying to hide. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">This has meant that I have been forced to tidy up not only the things I want to hide away, but also the places I want to hide them away IN. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The whole house selling process is driving me loopy, and it's not just the tidying. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have never been good at dealing with winter, and this year it started early and seems to be dragging on. As a consequence, I leave the gardening to TH, who doesn't feel the cold. I took up a position adjacent to the log burner in October, and I intend to stay there until mid-April, if the long range weather forecast is even partially accurate. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Well, that was the original plan, anyway. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">It seems only a couple of years since I was able to leave my summer bedding plants in their hanging baskets, and that they would happily survive the entire winter, bursting forth again in late spring and saving me a fortune in the process. I'd managed to hang on to many a geranium using this method until recently. However, the last few winters have been far too severe, and it's only been my refusal to garden in single-figure temperatures that has left the hanging baskets hanging around with a few decrepit twigs poking out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Needless to say, my attention was drawn to the fact that this was doing little to enhance the appearance of the house and, with the imminent arrival of a photographer, instructed (I suspect, given what the agent said) to ensure that everything is done to "sell" the virtues of our garden, I had to do something.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">So. Saturday saw TH and me at the garden centre, in a blizzard of sleety rain, buying spring bedding plants, and Sunday saw me in similar conditions trying to replant the hanging baskets and pots to make the house look a bit less as though we had abandoned it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">As if that wasn't bad enough, I managed on Friday to break the screen on my laptop. I heard what I thought was TH shouting from the kitchen, so I leapt to my feet, which were tangled in the power cable, and the laptop crashed to the floor, where the screen, which only moments before was showing my e-mail inbox, had developed the appearance of a kaleidoscope. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">This means I am reduced once again to the iPad, and last time I tried to update my blog on my iPad I was locked out of Blogger for three months...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">You may or may not read this, and, if you do, it may be my last blog post for a while. I'm hoping not, but who knows?</span></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-70291166156532129712013-03-17T22:39:00.000+00:002013-03-17T22:39:57.737+00:00Stop me if I’m boring you, won’t you ?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i662.photobucket.com/albums/uu342/FruitBat_album/movinghouse.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="http://i662.photobucket.com/albums/uu342/FruitBat_album/movinghouse.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Phase 99 of
the plan to vacate Nowhere on Thames is already upon us. So, far, phases 1-98
have been either abortive or frustrating or both.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We teeter
on the brink of deciding between Arthur Daley, Sebastian Pink-Scarf and Agent
3, with whom we both seemed to hit it off. Nobody can really seem to give us an
accurate valuation on our house, though, as the spread is about £50K, with
Sebastian Pink-Scarf trailing pitifully in third place. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Meanwhile,
on the purchase side, things are (in the words of the famous song title) a ball
of confusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Epsom, or at least parts
of it, is delightful. However, many parts of it seem to be up steep hills (and
God only knows why all these steep hills should be called “downs” when they are
mostly “ups”) and miles from even the nearest newsagent. I am currently
fortunate enough to be able to gambol up hills like a mountain goat, but I have
reached the time of life where I doubt that my dodgy knees will miraculously
heal, and somehow the thought of a mile or so’s slog to the nearest purveyor of
milk and newspapers has lost its appeal. Who knew we were so spoiled, with a
railway station and a village centre in such close proximity to N-o-T? The idea
that “I’m just popping out for some milk” would be the precursor to a cross-country
marathon of some 2 miles or more, and the thought of being snowed in up a steep
hill have somewhat dampened our initial enthusiasm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, the hunt is on for somewhere flatter, and
preferably, not as “on Thames” as we’re used to, as my nerves really can’t take
too much more of the regular automated phone calls from the Environment Agency,
telling us we’re on flood alert.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The other
thing is that, after never having lived in a new house in either of our
respective lives, TH and I have rather suddenly concluded that it might be nice
to experience<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>somewhere with windows
that fit, a central heating system that actually heats the whole house and – another
current fad that we’d never add on, but of which builders seem to be enamoured <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>– solar panels to heat the water.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The
downside to new houses, apart from the current trend towards vast open spaces
where once there were rooms, is the garden. Or lack thereof. Even in the
smallest of new developments, builders seem to have adopted the approach that,
if they just move that house a bit to the left, shove that one further back on
its plot and push the two a bit closer together, hey presto, they can squeeze
another one in on the end. I think we may be able to put the lawn mower on ebay
if we go this route. I could probably manicure the lawn with a pair of
scissors. And anyway, who wants to be gardening when they could be sitting in
the kitchen-dining-family room looking out of the window at several yards of
unbroken fencing? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The other
downside, which really surprised me, is that many of today’s developers seem to
have had their show homes decorated by someone with a crack habit. No,
seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember once seeing
Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen or someone of his ilk decorating a room by putting the
wallpaper on the walls horizontally. However, that was in the 1990’s, and I’m
guessing that it could be one of several reasons we don’t see much of him on TV
these days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also recall him decorating
someone’s living room in deepest suburbia in rather dramatic black and fuchsia
floral wallpaper. There you go: another reason we probably don’t see him much
on telly. However, I think we’ve found someone to whom he might have bequeathed
his mood boards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, for crying out
loud, does the builder really generate more sales by having a pile of towels
tied with a ribbon sitting on top of the toilet seat? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst the
rest of the world is being exhorted by a plethora of “experts” to declutter
their homes and paint the walls in inoffensive neutral colours, new house
builders seem to feel that we need drama in the form of a show home staged for
sale by Hilda Ogden, with a tasteful Muriel or two papered to the walls. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I am hoping
that, in the event we locate our dream home, we can manage to get in in time,
before anyone tampers with the interior décor. Maybe it’s a sign of age, but
magnolia will do. Really, it will. If I want to hang wallpaper, I’d like it to
be my own decision, and I’d really like (call me old-fashioned) to stick it on
the walls vertically. And yes, I am sitting here typing this wearing my beige
cardigan. There’s probably no hope.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-52051309005060456832013-03-14T21:54:00.000+00:002013-03-14T21:54:06.213+00:00Kitchen crisis<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have been
forced to think quite a lot about kitchens this week. This has led me to a
growing realisation that either:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">a) I am deluded</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">b) I have
been hoodwinked</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">c) My idea
of entertaining is at odds with that of the majority.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Let me
explain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As the
possibility of a house move looms ever larger, I have been forced to invite
into our Nowhere on Thames abode that most reviled of creatures, the Estate
Agent. Personally, I have nothing against them. I can even say that at least
one of my good friends is one. However, the UK ones have something of an image
problem, and the ones I’ve seen so far have tended to conform to the main stereotypes
one always imagines when the words “Estate Agent” are mentioned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On Monday,
agent 1 came round. Wearing an Arthur Daley coat and a pleasant smile, he
looked around our home, muttering “Lovely” “Great” and “Very nice” as I flung
open the doors to the various inner sanctums of the On Thames household.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I had
prepared for his visit by Googling myself into a stupor. If I should feel
called to apply for the next series of “Mastermind” I am certainly equipped to
choose “Property Prices and sales values achieved in Nowhere-on-Thames from
1991-2013” as my specialist subject.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">He told me
my house was worth far more than I know it really is, offered me numerous
reductions and discounts to his fees and charges without me even having to give
him a flash of my “I don’t think so” raised eyebrow, and attempted to flatter
me and my home to within an inch of our respective lives. I was immune to his
charms.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Once he’d
exhausted his sales pitch and paused for questions, I ventured one..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“So what’s
wrong with this house?” I asked “Really, be honest, I have the skin of a rhino
and it would be useful to know what lets the place down”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Well…the
kitchen” He ventured, his neck retreating into his Arthur Daley coat like a
tortoise retreating into its shell.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“I know” I
said, and he visibly relaxed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I should
explain. Our Victorian house retains its original footprint, and the kitchen is,
indeed, small compared to all the other rooms in the house. We have never felt
the need to enlarge it, as it provides adequate space to carry out any kitchen-related activity, and I like my privacy whilst I'm working myself into a culinary lather and clattering pans around.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so to
this morning. Agent 2 arrived. Late. His name really was Sebastian and his
surname double barrelled, and he wore a pink cashmere scarf around his neck.
Which is a sure sign of extortionate fees. The visit proceeded as previously,
only there were many, many more “Greats”. The wardrobes, the windows, the glory
hole under the stairs, the downstairs loo, the log burner, the stair rods and
runners…all “Great”. By bedroom 4, a voice in my head was screaming “No,
they’re NOT!” but I held back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">His final
pitch involved a ten-minute recital of their annual sales figures by quarter, a
brief history of the property market since (I don’t know since when, I wasn’t
paying attention by this point), a polite but pointed insight into the shifty
practices of “other agents” and veiled suggestions of what “they” might do to
reel us in, before letting us down badly by Not Selling Our House, and, of
course, a hasty sprint through their fees and charges which included the
somewhat startling revelation that, on top of the not insignificant sum they
would receive in the event of a sale, they would only charge us £200 to take
photographs of our property. (Only…yeah…a snip…isn’t that part of the deal? If
we don’t agree to pay for photos, do they draw a likeness on an available scrap
of paper???)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">He did,
however, finally get round to his suggestion for a selling price, but just
before he did, I asked my killer question about what was wrong with our house.
“The kitchen” he said.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">He then
proceeded to give us a valuation figure. The amusing thing (as I am
rhino-skinned, it was amusing, rather than making me want to cry or wear
sackcloth and ashes) was that this agent is selling the house next
door-but-one. It’s the same size and style of house, but their kitchen is (wait
for it) about 1.5 square metres larger than ours (if that).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are other differences of decoration or
configuration between our two houses, but objectively, they’re the same.
However, for the sin of having a smaller kitchen, Sebastian Pink-Scarf wants me
to sell my house for somewhere between 15 and 20 THOUSAND POUNDS less than my
neighbours!!! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so to
kitchens.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My kitchen
IS too small. Not for me, I should add, but for potential buyers. They will, I
am sure, all want “lifestyle” kitchens, because “I like to be able to talk to
my guests when I’m cooking when we entertain” or “I really believe the kitchen
is the heart of the home” and “It means I can keep an eye on the children as
I’m preparing their supper”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">OK, so why
buy a house with 3 other reception rooms if all you want to do is spend your
every waking moment in the bloody kitchen??? Why not buy a house with just a kitchen???
If you do want a kitchen where you can spend your every waking moment, then the
rest of the house will be a waste of space, surely?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">No one ever
says “I like to keep an eye on the kids while I microwave their spaghetti
hoops” or “I like to be able to talk to my guests whilst I remove the packaging
from the Marks and Spencer<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>lemon torte I
bought for dessert”, or even “I really love the fact that when we retire to the
open-plan sitting room after dinner, the smell of the chicken vindaloo we
shared earlier can permeate the entire open-plan kitchen-diner-living area”.
Oh, no, when it comes to buying a home, everyone’s suddenly Nigella Lawson or
Martha Stewart, and needs a kitchen the size of a tennis court even though it’s
unlikely to make them cook any more (or any better) than a smaller one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And, lest
anyone think that I have a chip on my shoulder about having a small kitchen,
the Nowhere-in-France house has a large kitchen, but I still like my guests to
sit in the sitting room or the dining room rather than the kitchen, and if
anywhere is the “heart” of that home, then it’s the chair nearest the log
burner in winter, and a hammock in the garden in summer. The kitchen may be the
engine room, but who wants to spend their every waking moment stoking the
boiler??? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The generation before mine put considerable time and effort into ensuring that women would be free, equal and no longer chained to the sink. Suddenly, it seems that "chained to the sink" is the new black.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There are four houses like ours in our road. The first sold about a year ago, and the new owners ripped out most of the interior and converted the largest reception room into a mega-kitchen. The second is the one with a kitchen a couple of feet larger than ours. The third had already been largely converted into one gigantic kitchen when it sold a couple of years ago, and yet the new owners still gutted it and started again. I am quite sure that, whoever takes on our house-with-the-tiny kitchen, they will rip out and rebuild whatever they wish, and to their heart's content. Should we gift them £20K to help them on their way, though? I'm not convinced.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.rentcafe.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/kitchen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://www.rentcafe.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/kitchen.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-80541575006912329022013-03-05T22:23:00.000+00:002013-03-05T22:25:32.907+00:00Somewhere else on Thames..perhaps. Or possibly not<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Nowhere-on-Thames
may soon be no more. I will be blogging under false pretences. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Whilst
enjoying the limited charms and unlimited sunshine of Egypt, TH and I were able
to indulge in one of the many pursuits denied to us in the normal course of
events. We talked to one another. At length.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As a
married couple of some 30-odd years’ standing, this should be a normal
activity. However, our respective schedules have, for many years, condemned our
conversation to a regular exchange of post-it notes on the fridge. Given the
lack of availability of an A4-sized post-it note, I mainly confine myself to
leaving instructions as to the location and nature of the evening meal,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>short, urgent “to do” lists, and questions
regarding the whereabouts of things I’ve been unable to find during the day.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">By the time
I get home from work, TH may just have waited up long enough to say something
like “I’m off to bed, good night”. It’s not the moment to launch into any sort
of deep conversation, as he is well past his sell-by date, having got up at
4.45 am to catch the first train to the metropolis.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Meanwhile,
back in Egypt, we found ourselves able to catch up on some of the conversations
that we normally have to cram into Sunday afternoons…and this year, we spoke of
retirement. Well, of TH’s retirement, anyway. Successive governments seem hell
bent on ensuring that I will keep seeing my state pension on the horizon, and, like
someone lost in the desert, I will crawl towards it, only to discover that it
was a mirage all along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am, however,
determined to stay alive to draw it, even if they keep increasing the statutory
retirement age by increments until I am 105. If only out of spite!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">TH asked,
quite out of the blue, one evening as we enjoyed an aperitif, if I had any
preference as to where I would like to live once he retired. Initially, I had
to take a minute to process the information, as I wasn’t altogether sure
whether he was working up to asking for a divorce, or suggesting that I might
care to move out of the matrimonial home, but no, he was Planning Ahead. TH has
a strange approach to Planning Ahead. He usually packs his suitcase about two
weeks before a holiday, whereas I do mine the day before. However, I often wonder
about long-term plans, whereas TH <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>only
really plans a month or so ahead. So you can imagine my surprise that he was
talking about moving house “sometime in the next couple of years”. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The
conversation led us both to decide that we would probably rather move closer to
London than further away, although we were rather more sketchy as to where. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “closer” part did not have to entail much
geographical adjustment, but we both felt it might be a plus if we found
somewhere on a train line that didn’t make a three-legged tortoise look like Mo
Farah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As things stand, N-o-T is
connected to London by a train service that stops every 100 metres, and takes
50 minutes to cover something in the region of 20 miles. There are tail-enders
in the London Marathon who could do the journey faster. Even if they were
wearing a chicken costume..</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Upon our
return, I decided to have a cursory look at property in a couple of places, and
before I knew it, TH was spurred into action and we were off for a spin to see
what had become of Surbiton, where we lived at the time we first married, and
Kingston, where sons#1 and#2 were born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This was a salutary
experience. There is no doubt that the entire cast of “The Good Life” must have
moved out, as it appears they’ve probably been able to sell half their garden
to a property developer who has built seven or eight houses on the plot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was like going back to the scene of a
memorable holiday, only to discover that Ryanair, Easyjet and Flybe have
started daily flights there, and the deserted beach has been dug up to build fifteen
hotels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Affording a house was not the
issue. Affording a garage (or even a parking space) and a garden are almost
certainly beyond our means. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On the plus
side, I can report that Surbiton has probably the highest per capita
concentration of proper, old-fashioned ironmongers’ shops of anywhere in South
East England, if not the UK as a whole.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We are
currently working on Plan B. When we decide what Plan B is, you will be the
first to know.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">By the way,
I might add – in case you were wondering – that proximity to a decent rail
connection to London is important because along the way, TH confided that, when
he reaches retirement age, he has no intention of actually retiring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Monty Python touched a bit of a nerve......</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/vgHsCyWkB5g?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-9121840907173778902013-02-28T22:59:00.003+00:002013-02-28T22:59:30.758+00:00I am in love with Dave Fishwick. Although we've never met..<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In a land
far away from NoT, there lives a little man called Dave. Today, he has been all
over the airwaves, talking about the second part of a documentary, showing as I
type on Channel 4. Dave, in my most humble opinion, is a genius. Let me tell
you why….</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Last July,
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business, selling minibuses, Dave decided that he wanted to put something back
into his community. His community is in Burnley. Which is, it has to be said,
hardly the banking and investment capital of the UK. Or it wasn’t.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">For Dave
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<br /></div>
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local businesses, paying the savers 5% interest and donating any surplus to
local charities, is apparently considered “risky”. Dave’s bank is not losing
money. On the contrary, it has donated over £20,000 in profits to charity since
its inception. Compare and contrast to today’s reported losses of over £5
BILLION by RBS.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Read more
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><a href="http://www.burnleysavingsandloans.co.uk/about-us/">http://www.burnleysavingsandloans.co.uk/about-us/</a></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><a href="http://www.cityam.com/article/bank-dave-two-how-one-man-took-fsa-and-won">http://www.cityam.com/article/bank-dave-two-how-one-man-took-fsa-and-won</a></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There hasn’t
been a more heart-warming story from the banking world since…..No, no “since”.
There hasn’t. Ever.</span></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-30279318713338364902013-02-21T20:45:00.000+00:002013-02-21T20:45:53.577+00:00An Arab Spring<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">And so, as
the winter insisted on dragging its heels, TH and I decided that enough was
enough and decamped to Egypt. It has become something of a ritual that, around
February, we sneak away to the Sinai peninsula, which if I’m honest has little
to commend it but the warmth of its weather and its people. As Nowhere on
Thames has been enveloped in a blanket of grey since what seems like nine
months ago, it was a treat to see and feel the warmth of the sun, and to be
able to wear just the one light layer of clothing instead of dressing in so
many different garments that getting undressed was like dissecting an onion.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL1226gvX_N6AQ55M68mAOBgIsQhYoi_v7Ww_uqoDjtkBafSGIHDggDYz-dsttMEbyAPfXt1q-B8900oRA90-x7y1Fxh7nCSu4LBKCuQhfCBhwc5LO7K_gjnuOQNtqn6HoXHR6foD6jjVT/s1600/011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL1226gvX_N6AQ55M68mAOBgIsQhYoi_v7Ww_uqoDjtkBafSGIHDggDYz-dsttMEbyAPfXt1q-B8900oRA90-x7y1Fxh7nCSu4LBKCuQhfCBhwc5LO7K_gjnuOQNtqn6HoXHR6foD6jjVT/s320/011.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsbWDJ6f-uy0nRJCdrcoLn2rbi8oUkg2qCTocaBPYNzNRq6OfDCpW5NLPKJcmV3kGVqAiAoFuUvrAwC6unTJjxtjRThc1a-0UCgg-5ezmnuUg-mSr2hlhLE-KAbpX4QPsNDu96dgjkRbj3/s1600/014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsbWDJ6f-uy0nRJCdrcoLn2rbi8oUkg2qCTocaBPYNzNRq6OfDCpW5NLPKJcmV3kGVqAiAoFuUvrAwC6unTJjxtjRThc1a-0UCgg-5ezmnuUg-mSr2hlhLE-KAbpX4QPsNDu96dgjkRbj3/s320/014.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This really lifts the spirits whilst waiting for our poor daffodils to summon up the courage to bloom</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This year,
as the previous two or three, the continuing political unrest in faraway Cairo
has deterred many tourists from visiting, which – whilst it certainly didn’t
mean we had the place to ourselves – made the whole place a little quieter than
it was a few years back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would appear
that Norwegian tour operators are capitalising on this decline in numbers by snapping
up great deals for their customers, as I’ve never seen so many Norwegians
gathered in one place since a long-ago visit to, er..Norway.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Norwegians are, it would appear,” bien dans
leur peau” as the French would put it. Even when they seem to have an awful lot
of peau to be bien in. There are (don’t tell any of your Scandinavian friends)
certain figures that simply don’t lend themselves to a two-piece swimsuit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am not sure that the Italian contingent
ever got the memo about the over-seventies and the thong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not above the odd fashion faux pas
myself, but I think that age, gravity and a liberal helping of common sense
have taught me that I have exceeded the optimum body shape and condition for
revealing swimwear.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s not just
the swimwear, either. Sometimes the daywear and evening wear appear to tell a
tale of some rash pre-holiday shopping. And it would appear, from the following
photograph taken of the window of a local clothing emporium, that the tourists
are sending mixed messages to the host country, whose people seem to have a
much less liberal approach to dressing. Is this, I wonder, a form of comment on
the dress sense (and by extension, the morals) of their foreign visitors, an
unfortunate accident, or simply a realisation that whatever anyone does to
accessorise that dress can’t really hope to improve it?</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht2kOS0ypGLZynBIkvLsQx9eRm32bXDIcHM7cRUMsgckMI7J7N9H9r70S_6h-_cHhKrvvwmzwSu-CZz3CpXoEYvvWcYj-lozZ7ull-1PQ8S15Sb_E8o5dx4CHTl9QrJ8WsTo4GVikcEGdk/s1600/040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht2kOS0ypGLZynBIkvLsQx9eRm32bXDIcHM7cRUMsgckMI7J7N9H9r70S_6h-_cHhKrvvwmzwSu-CZz3CpXoEYvvWcYj-lozZ7ull-1PQ8S15Sb_E8o5dx4CHTl9QrJ8WsTo4GVikcEGdk/s320/040.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And they don't even match! </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-89341720660750836832013-01-28T16:08:00.002+00:002013-01-28T16:09:31.972+00:00An invite from the neighbours!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">No, not
those neighbours, THOSE neighbours!</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2009/11/16/1258389419241/The-Queen-and-Prince-Phil-003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="192" src="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2009/11/16/1258389419241/The-Queen-and-Prince-Phil-003.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Windsors wearing smart/casual?</td></tr>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">As a pair
of fairly staunch republicans, this has come as a surprise but, apparently, TH
has been “recognised” no, not from that time where HM the Q and Prince Phil nearly
mowed us down as we were out for a Sunday stroll, but apparently for services
to building a cable car over the Thames, which certainly expedited the transit of
spectators from the Exel Centre to the O2 (AKA the Millennium Dome) during the
Olympics.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have just
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turn received from the Grand Fromage at TfL, telling him to advise The Powers
That Be of the name of his nominated guest. I am taking it that the guest in
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Provided we pass the security vetting….</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So, it
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’ve joked
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invited us over for drinks in the twenty-plus years we’ve lived practically
next door. The big concern now, if course, is whether they'll expect to be invited back?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I’ll be
nice. It’s only polite.</span></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-80610362965395194722013-01-25T22:48:00.001+00:002013-01-26T20:47:00.496+00:00Dear Sir Minister Cameron.....<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s been
one of my various jobs, over the past ten years, to teach English as a Foreign
Language at a local college, not far from N-o-T.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When I
first began, the Government of the Day, in its wisdom, had decreed that EU
nationals, asylum seekers and those in receipt of benefits could avail
themselves of free English lessons. It was also a time which hailed the start
of an impressive influx of people from Poland into the UK. I had started
teaching in February, and the following September, at the start of the academic
year, my new class numbered some 48 students, of which 60% were Polish. Not so
much teaching as crowd control! A number of additional teachers were swiftly
recruited, as lessons had turned into a huge game of musical chairs as the
number of students increased exponentially week-on-week, whilst the number of
chairs and table remained at the same level.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Now, some
ten years on, many of the Polish students I knew in those days have returned to
Poland, although I still bump into a few from the early days, very settled in
the local area.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My classes
today are a much more multinational affair. This term, I have 14 students (the
numbers now are much more manageable, and have been since the Government
stopped free lessons: they were “too successful”). The mix of nationalities
mirrors much of what we hear in the media. Of my 14 souls, four are Spanish,
two Greek, two Portuguese, one Russian, one Pole, one Slovak, two Indians and a
Colombian. The last two years have seen a significant increase in the numbers
of students from southern Europe, whilst there are very few Poles these days.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In my local
area, which may not be representative of the demographic elsewhere, most of
these people are either au pairs, or work in catering and hospitality. A surprisingly large number also work as carers for the elderly or in care homes. I read
(when I can’t avoid it) with some confusion and dismay the reports of
immigrants being in receipt of benefits, housing, handouts and support, and
wonder where these people live. Because I’ve never met any migrants who conform
to that profile. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Not only do
they all work, but they give up 5 hours a week after work to attend English
lessons. And they work hard at that, too. They attend regularly, they ask for
the work they’ve missed if they can’t come, they do homework and they work
their socks off in class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they pay
for the privilege.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Last week,
we had a lesson about the EU, the UK and the latter’s current approach (or that
of the current Government of the Day) to the former. Mr Cameron’s current
pronouncements on the EU and immigration have most of them flummoxed. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“So”, they
asked “if we go home, will English people want to do our jobs?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“I have
never seen an English person apply for a job where I work” said one “until this
year. This year we took on three English people. They lasted just 3 weeks”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“ We pay
tax and National Insurance” they said “And we don’t use the NHS”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“I expected
to come here and be a waitress” said one Spanish girl – she and her partner are
in my class “but we both found jobs in IT, which is what we’re qualified in,
and they were really pleased to have us”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“ We are
contributing to the cultural mix in the UK” they said “And it’s what we love
about being here: the diversity”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So I asked
them, for homework, to write a letter to Mr Cameron, telling him how they felt
and what they thought.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">All of them
did a great job. They expressed themselves, within the limitations of their
command of English, with eloquence and clarity. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At a time when I’ve been questioning whether I
want to continue doing this job at all, they made me remember why I love it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Here’s a
letter from a lady who is a grandmother, and whose grandchildren and children
are back in Poland. I’d like David Cameron AND Nigel Farage to read lots more
letters like this:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Dear Sir
Minster Cameron</span></i><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">
(OK, a bit of work to do here…)<br />
<i>I writing to you, a Polish immigrant, living alone in the UK almost 7 years.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i><br />
Last time you said that “Migrant jobseekers who don’t bother to learn English
will be stripped of benefits”</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i><br />
So I’m learning English, I’m watching only English TV and I’m reading
newspapers every day.<br />
I’m working all the time and don’t use the benefits. I’m working in English
company, I have a contract for work. My employers are happy of me because I
respect my work and carry out their/my diutes well. All this time I pay tax and
insurance.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i><br />
I have many of English Friends at work. We often meet after work. We cook
together and talk about English and Polish culture, history, music and
literature.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i><br />
Sometimes we go out to a restaurant, to the cinema or a pup.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><i><br />
I live in this country, sought to make something good for him..And therefore I
don’t understand why you don’t like Polish immigrants.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">Sometimes, when I’m out and about in Nowhere-in-France, I have the
misfortune to come across people, British people, who wax lyrical about “(*)(*^&%^!
Immigrants <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in the UK” and how it’s “one
of the reasons we left”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">For me, they’re one of the reasons I stay. And why I don’t think there’s
anywhere else I’d rather be. Unless some idiot in Westminster decides to spoil
it all.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-style: italic;"></span>Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-69450829397679470242013-01-20T20:24:00.000+00:002013-01-26T20:46:26.791+00:00Animal = Hospital<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When I dragged
you into my personal hell with the tale of the two cats, some of your (very
welcome, as ever) comments mentioned dogs, and the very kind <a href="http://pixie-mum.blogspot.co.uk,/" target="_blank">Pixie Mum</a>
mindful of my welfare, asked if my tetanus jabs were up to date, which all
reminded me of another animal story. This is both dog and neighbour related.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Regular
readers may recall that relations with one of my <a href="http://nowhereonthames.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/bringing-down-barriers-part-deux.html" target="_blank">neighbours</a> in France, Herman
the German, have been soured, and I’m pleased to report that here in Nowhere-on-Thames,
we have neighbours with whom we enjoy quite a happy relationship.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">If you’re
sensing a “but” at this point, you’re quite right to do so. Let me tell you
about Horace the hellhound.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Horace is
not a Rottweiler, nor indeed a Pit Bull or any other supposedly dangerous or
evil brand of dog. Horace is a small white Westie. To all intents and purposes,
Horace is supposed to fall into the category of “cute”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When our neighbours first moved in next door,
I was prepared to believe that he was exactly that. However, Horace did not
take long to demonstrate that he was about as cute as a sack of vipers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTe46yKTubeYsgWJxbYXF5QCceuRVI2AJsF0_fbg2gaOKOxnvqLdQ" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTe46yKTubeYsgWJxbYXF5QCceuRVI2AJsF0_fbg2gaOKOxnvqLdQ" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Cute? It's a matter of opinion and experience</span><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It all
started off fairly innocuously. Whenever we were outside in our garden, Horace
would run up and down the fence on the other side, barking and growling. This
left our own Labrador, who was still with us at the time, singularly
unimpressed. He would just look at us balefully, as if to say “What’s his
problem?” before dropping to the ground and going to sleep in the sun.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">After some
months, it became apparent that Horace did not feel the barking was enough. He
began to attempt to eat his way into our garden through the wooden fence, so he
could have it out with us face to face. The neighbours’ half-hearted attempts
to control him were having no effect, and they called some sort of
dog-whisperer in to help. As part of this, we were asked if we’d mind walking
up and down our own garden whilst Horace demonstrated his disgust from his own
side of the fence, so that the dog-whisperer could witness his behaviour first
hand. The dog-whisperer came, did some stuff and left, and for a week or so
Horace was disciplined for his behaviour and we could enjoy the liberty of
wandering about our garden without the accompaniment of Horace’s vocal
displeasure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Shortly
after this, the neighbours decided to re-landscape their garden. As part of
this, they added an extra layer of fencing on their side of the existing fence
between our gardens, apparently so that Horace would not be so easily able to
see or sense us wandering about our own garden. Whatever improvement had been
made in his behaviour by the dog-whisperer was already a thing of the past,
largely, I think, because the neighbours weren’t really putting much effort
into the discipline stuff.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It was at
about this time that I opined to TH that if Horace was mine, I would have a
serious think about my priorities. Having to go to this kind of expense to
placate a highly-strung small dog seemed to me to be a big ask.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Then it was
Christmas. I should say that, up to this point, we had been relatively frequent
visitors to the neighbours’ house, and they to ours. No problems. Confronted with
our actual presence, Horace seemed to be able to behave quite normally and just
like any other dog. Then they invited us to join them for a party on New Year’s
Eve. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">At the
appointed time, we walked out of our front door, strode the few steps across to
the neighbours’ door and rang the bell. It was answered and, amid the cheerful “Hello’s”
and welcomes, I became aware that TH had suddenly doubled over and said quite a
rude word. It’s not like him to do that in company, so to say I was surprised
is an understatement. It was then that I noticed that he had a small white
Westie hanging from his upper thigh by its teeth. Cue much embarrassment all
round, multiple apologies, offers of assistance, and OH, trying to make light
of the situation, popping back home to examine his wounds and apply dressings.
He returned shortly thereafter and we both enjoyed a pleasant, if subdued, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>evening. The dog didn’t try for a repeat
performance and the neighbours were, of course, mortified.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Months went
by. Many months. No further Horace-related incidents occurred and the memory
had more or less faded. Then, one summer afternoon, my neighbour knocked on the
door and asked to borrow the garden shredder. TH had hidden it somewhere so I
offered to phone him for details of its whereabouts and then pop back to her
with it. Having done as I promised, I popped next door and rang the bell. No
answer. She’d gone out. However, a friend of theirs was working in their
garden, so I called to him over the fence and he came to the gate to talk to
me. He opened the gate, and I was relaying my message when all of a sudden a
searing pain shot up my leg. You’ve guessed it. Horace was hanging from the top
of my leg. No warning, no reason, no provocation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It HURT! A
LOT! And it swelled up and it bled and I swore and drove myself to the NHS
walk-in centre, where they were particularly impressed to learn that a wound at
the very top of my thigh had been inflicted by such a small dog. It was here
that I got the tetanus jab. And a course of antibiotics, and a big dressing.
They don’t stitch dog bites in case they get infected, apparently, which is why
I still bear a small scar.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Not long
after my return, the neighbour appeared, in tears, clutching a bouquet. I think
she feared the worst. Believe me, both TH and I have (and still do, for reasons
which will soon become clear) agonised over what to say and do. If it wasn’t
the neighbours, I’d report it without question, and happily. But it IS our
immediate neighbour, and we have a normally good relationship, it seems the
only solution is to leave the decision as to what to do to their good sense.
They have chosen the ostrich approach.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In June,
during the Jubilee celebrations, I went to France. TH stayed behind, and took
up the invitation to the neighbours’ garden barbecue. They now have two dogs,
of whom Horrible Horace is one. Given TH’s acceptance of their kind invitation,
they were taking the dogs to be looked after by a dog-minder for the afternoon. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Some time
before the party, TH was outside tinkering with son#2’s car. He was lying under
the vehicle, with only his legs sticking out, as the neighbour came out of the
house with both dogs on leads. At this point, Horace slipped his collar, did
two laps of son#2’s car before sinking his teeth in TH’s calf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gather from son#2 that TH let his feelings
be known in no uncertain terms.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidO-1hpvJrPDR9ShJVAB4tEptmcFXtW4F3f4RN_IZFVSWTQfK5Pqf0FyV3IUudqMTHQsZbfDdheUAWeQibWzIghx2qKM4duug-rzWJYx7L5p_ne35vmDcljxka-f10uP9ec9jtpDtXkr2I/s1600/2013-01-20+19.46.03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidO-1hpvJrPDR9ShJVAB4tEptmcFXtW4F3f4RN_IZFVSWTQfK5Pqf0FyV3IUudqMTHQsZbfDdheUAWeQibWzIghx2qKM4duug-rzWJYx7L5p_ne35vmDcljxka-f10uP9ec9jtpDtXkr2I/s320/2013-01-20+19.46.03.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> <span style="font-size: x-small;"> More like the real Horace.....?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Apparently,
Horace is showing signs of old age and ill health. I cannot bring myself to
feel sorry about these developments, despite my general fondness for animals. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-51471744738159993022013-01-18T17:36:00.000+00:002013-01-26T20:45:49.751+00:00Thank YouTo one of my very favourite bloggers <a href="http://asurfeitofpalfreys.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Venomous Bead</a>, for passing to me the Versatile Blogger Award. I'm grateful and touched that my somewhat stream-of-consciousness ramblings have found an audience, even a small one. The last thing I properly won was a ten shilling postal order in a crossword competition in my comic, which gives you several clues as to how often something like this comes along for me.<br />
<br />
The very best thing about these awards is the fact that they open up loads of new blogs to me, and as a relative newcomer to the blogosphere, that's great.<br />
<br />
The very worst thing about these awards is that, as a relative newcomer to the blogosphere, I haven't yet accumulated enough of a blog list of my own to be able to pass on the honour. I feel bad about this, but hope you'll understand.<br />
<br />
My other guide to the world of blogs, <a href="http://www.google.com/reader/view/feed/http%3A%2F%2Fperpetually-in-transit.blogspot.com%2Ffeeds%2Fposts%2Fdefault" target="_blank">Perpetua</a>, has provided a helpful solution for my embarrassing situation, and on this occasion I am going to use it. I promise to do better in the future, as my blogging experience increases along with my reading list.<br />
<br />
Meantime, thanks again for the mention, and congratulations to all the other bloggers mentioned, whose blogs I will certainly be visiting!<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK_Sk_JOrgP9xHkD1-GGSsGIG6V1iBINVIY4_pbfogpMuFLGqGy9oX6R2w5tKwldQu9BKU1o1rWJng7un5OnNpumMExBLkgULDDftdeKYAp_MbLmFYxG50Ho8GZu6bNYiuEKNtHdlf8VSt/s1600/versatileblogger111.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgK_Sk_JOrgP9xHkD1-GGSsGIG6V1iBINVIY4_pbfogpMuFLGqGy9oX6R2w5tKwldQu9BKU1o1rWJng7un5OnNpumMExBLkgULDDftdeKYAp_MbLmFYxG50Ho8GZu6bNYiuEKNtHdlf8VSt/s1600/versatileblogger111.png" /></a></div>
<br />Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-82738669749628790652013-01-18T17:17:00.000+00:002013-01-26T20:45:35.555+00:00Catastrophe<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I don’t
know if you’re a pet lover or not, and the ownership of a domestic animal tends
to polarise people. There are cat lovers and cat haters, the same for dogs. The
latter often form breed-related splinter groups, too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The N-o-T
family are a bit more laid back. We like dogs AND cats, and fish, and gerbils,
and all the other animals we’ve owned since the offspring were small. We don’t
go all gooey over them, but we genuinely like them, and they always contribute
something to our daily lives. The “something” can, of course, be a good or a
bad “something”…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">A series of
cats and dogs, the demise of our faithful Labrador cross, and a small black
kitten came into our lives. He was the only animal we’ve ever owned who managed
to acquire three names: George (the one he came with), Lebowski (the one son#2
thought we should give him) and Cat (because TH didn’t like the other two).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">A loving
and lovable little soul, his short life was ended by a car whilst I was in
Nowhere-in-France over the summer. He left a big hole, and when TH had to call
and break the news to me, his voice was quavering. Now, TH is a singularly
undemonstrative person, so to hear him so emotional was a surprise. He’d formed
a real bond with the small boy, and the loss hit him hard.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-K0U6hnO_XdfcKIuxbNzeRTzns0LGlLJ0aL383mr0BJrOrzE2ZAwTl_6z_lH8khnSigaUK7ks8zhADPgrfbsyDhNWMR43Ek5zbRIgkrcfquKFmf3Kwv1bLz9uY3kQb_yo1pmifq4Hm3hz/s1600/catinsink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-K0U6hnO_XdfcKIuxbNzeRTzns0LGlLJ0aL383mr0BJrOrzE2ZAwTl_6z_lH8khnSigaUK7ks8zhADPgrfbsyDhNWMR43Ek5zbRIgkrcfquKFmf3Kwv1bLz9uY3kQb_yo1pmifq4Hm3hz/s320/catinsink.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> The late lamented<span style="font-size: x-small;"> and not very big<span style="font-size: x-small;">) Lebowski, keeping watch from the bathroom washbasin</span></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">By the time
I returned, TH’s birthday was imminent. As he’s what is popularly termed “difficult
to buy for”, I thought he might like to have another cat to fill the void left
by the late Cat. A small ad online found a litter of kittens not far from us. I
arranged a visit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Son #2
drove me to the house. On the way, I clearly remember saying “Under no
circumstances let me get carried away and come back with more than one kitten”.
Upon our arrival, and upon seeing the two small boys that were available, I
couldn’t decide what to do. “Oh, I think they’re both adorable” I said “Mum,
remember what you said in the car” said son#2, wisely. “Shut up, I’ll take them
both” I said. And before I realised quite what I’d done, we were in the car
with a brace of kittens.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">OH was
initially delighted, and was given the honour of naming them, largely because
they were supposed to be his birthday present. Bill and Ben. Bill is entirely
black, Ben has small splashes of white on his back paws. All our animals tend
to be black, although we made an exception for the gerbils.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It started
badly, and got worse. Ben quickly turned out to have psychopathic tendencies.
He bit through my nail bed when I tried to pick him up (after, of course,
having observed the settling-in period where I left them both to acclimatise
and settle down). I only tried once more in the early days, and was left
looking as if I’d been self-harming. It’s fear, not aggression, but three
months down the line, he’s only a tiny bit better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Luckily, Bill is The Good Cat, and has none
of his brother’s murderous tendencies. Nevertheless, there’s something about
walking into a room and finding two sets of eyes boring into your soul that can
be disconcerting. I think we should have called them Ronnie and Reggie…</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw227CtxlFvsFXygzvmYRIB_1Ewi0dc_SqwE2l4SwZylXxKT766m8NtuMV945D3SXe-_J4U-X0vHd8r_w2_89zjmc5G7VAULZ7y-Bbs3sr8oKNFCE4fjF070IbSgi_JqT2zhsxZrSptKf8/s1600/2012-09-27+15.35.32.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw227CtxlFvsFXygzvmYRIB_1Ewi0dc_SqwE2l4SwZylXxKT766m8NtuMV945D3SXe-_J4U-X0vHd8r_w2_89zjmc5G7VAULZ7y-Bbs3sr8oKNFCE4fjF070IbSgi_JqT2zhsxZrSptKf8/s320/2012-09-27+15.35.32.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Psycho Ben, sticking his tongue out at the world</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3pmayAU9IJNvYkQ6VigoQVwcLorD2QBhkaPKa46QfjLy1a-OO2dF9GJx72S_nilM_WcHoaONgA2qDLyW0Uda9QKcj2F9Hbc5Z5ep3bs4eJpAQygbJKTmAyZoCL4_w37eSc5fRa4v57jY_/s1600/2012-10-17+16.23.39.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3pmayAU9IJNvYkQ6VigoQVwcLorD2QBhkaPKa46QfjLy1a-OO2dF9GJx72S_nilM_WcHoaONgA2qDLyW0Uda9QKcj2F9Hbc5Z5ep3bs4eJpAQygbJKTmAyZoCL4_w37eSc5fRa4v57jY_/s320/2012-10-17+16.23.39.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> Bill: Did I t<span style="font-size: x-small;">ell you he was laid back?</span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9fKbw0QZ8OSFlgtV5K0vvbeH-GaQcns9MkiF5HVrhBbeKFXhOi3BN-uj4urjb1S2XWwieXb7ZVx5LpQL_DmBPeOVzjoBTzeu5IBJRXYrpV04P8Q4VYtQ3RBf1X1U3C0-_6tkNDZP6PTov/s1600/2012-09-17+18.15.57.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9fKbw0QZ8OSFlgtV5K0vvbeH-GaQcns9MkiF5HVrhBbeKFXhOi3BN-uj4urjb1S2XWwieXb7ZVx5LpQL_DmBPeOVzjoBTzeu5IBJRXYrpV04P8Q4VYtQ3RBf1X1U3C0-_6tkNDZP6PTov/s320/2012-09-17+18.15.57.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Evidence of one of Ben's early victories</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There have,
to date, been two vet visits, for their jabs, and on both occasions, catching
Ben has been an experience I would prefer not to repeat. But repeat I must, and
have had to this week. The Time Had Come for the boys to lose a small but
intimate part of their anatomy. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I made the
vet appointment and spent a week in psychological preparation for what I knew
was to come. Maybe it was this preparation that worked in my favour, but at
7.30 a.m. I was locked in mental combat with Ben, him sporting a look that
spelled “bloodshed” and me sporting a thick jumper, sheepskin gloves and a bath
sheet. The training paid off, and I managed to get him into the cat carrier
with less fuss than usual. Bill was most compliant and took no time at all. We
were off!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I deposited
the boys at the vet, and went off with a lighter heart. A short while later,
they called to say that the two operations had gone well, and that I should
present myself at the surgery after luch to pick them up. You may get a feel
for the magnitude of the Ben Problem if I explain that I’d asked them to put
his collar on whilst he was under the anaesthetic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I presented
myself at the appointed time, and was handed the two boys, complete with
lampshades to stop them from licking their wounds. This Spelled T R O U B L E.
I could feel it in my water.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We got home
safely, and Bill exited his carrier looking decidedly piqued. Ben, meanwhile,
sulked at the back of his, and refused to leave. I left them to sort themselves
out. Minutes later, Bill appeared, sans lampshade, and I had to find it, find
him and reunite them, which was clearly not something he had had in mind.
Still, he’s not the psychopath, so it was OK. A spot of wrestling and I’d
secured it back on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I thought I’d
better clean and prepare their litter tray, so off I went to sort that out, and
I was just leaving the utility room when I spotted Ben, the lampshade flapping
from his neck and a murderous expression on his face, trying to run away before
I could see him. I’d seen him. He knew.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">His fatal
mistake was to make a run for the kitchen, a room with no hiding place. I
followed and shut the door. There we were…me with heart pounding and no backup,
him with collar flapping and no place to run. Standoff. I knew he was
frightened, but something had to be done. I grabbed him. He demonstrated, by
the use of his bowels, that he was scared and angry. Great. Still, I could only
feel a bit of blood dripping from my chin, and the loose flap of skin on my
hand wasn’t too much. I’ve suffered worse. Don’t ask me how I managed, but I
succeeded in detaching the hand towel from its holder and in bandaging it
around the cat, who had frozen in my arms. I slid to the kitchen floor, heart
banging like a kettle drum, and tried to sound calm and soothing. Who was I
trying to kid? There we sat, on the kitchen floor for several minutes, until we
reached a silent understanding. I reattached the collar and gently let go, and Ben shot off into hiding in the only enclosed place in the entire kitchen area….the
litter tray. Oh, great!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I left him
to it. The litter tray was clean, and my nerves were shot. Bill was fine, his
collar was still in place, and…oh, fantastic…he was lying on the floor licking
his stitches in spite of the collar. I knew The Samaritans would be useless in
this situation, so I rang the Vet. “We can give you a bigger collar” they
suggested, and then I remembered I had one that I’d kept from Cat. Cue another
wrestling session as poor Bill, wearing his best “What did I ever do to you?”
expression, was parcelled into a second lampshade.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Brief pause.
Then I realised that Bill seemed to want to use the bathroom, only his brother
was in residence and showing no signs of leaving. “No problem” I thought, and
made up another litter tray. Then I made a cup of tea, and sat down to gather
my wits, and nerves and apply a spot of ointment to my wounds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Bill, much
refreshed from his visit to the facilities, appeared in the doorway. And with
him came a rather unpleasant odour. He’d managed to use the second litter tray,
but somehow, as he wasn’t quite used to his new neckwear, he’d scraped up half
the tray’s contents, along with what he’d deposited in there, and was now
wearing them around his neck.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">All this
was two days ago. Things have settled down a bit. Ben is being almost friendly,
Bill is looking miserable but resigned, and I have to take both of them back to
the vet tomorrow for their post-op checkup. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I really
miss those gerbils.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-54724970868279340552013-01-09T00:42:00.001+00:002013-01-26T20:44:34.951+00:00It ain't all courgettes and sunflowers!If you read one of my earlier posts this summer, you will recall I was bemoaning the surfeit of courgettes with which my neighbours were keen to supplement my diet.<br />
<br />
However, dear readers, I am here to tell you a few things about the fertile soils of Nowhere-in-France. I will tell you the tale of the Mystery of the Disappearing Marijuana..<br />
<br />
Towards the end of my summer stay, I was (as in the courgette story) invited to dinner with my friend Karine. She, and indeed I and many others, have known for some time that her neighbours have a small area of their large back garden dedicated to the cultivation of recreational drugs which, I should add, are entirely for their own consumption and mainly for medicinal purposes. Nobody minds, except when the Gendarmes take their helicopter up for a spin. But then, the Gendarmes don't seem to mind, either. They (the Gendarmes) may make an appearance later in this tale, however, for another reason.<br />
<br />
So, on the evening in question, I arrived at Karine's and let myself in, calling out a "Hello!" to which there came no reply. I wandered into the back garden and saw her far down the garden, deep in conversation with a man I didn't recognise. She introduced me to her neighbour, and together they explained that he had come over to tell her that, during the previous night, someone had come into her garden, and, using a stepladder that was already set up under a nearby tree, they had scaled the fence between their two properties and helped themselves to a couple of dozen cannabis plants.<br />
<br />
Despite the indifference of the local Gendarmes to the existence of these plants, this is clearly not the sort of theft that is easy to report, but the neighbour, in a very pleasant way, had come to see if Karine might know of any visitors to her home who might have taken a shine to the plants and hatched a plan to steal them. We laughed together at the thought that a hotch-potch of mostly septuagenarians or under twelves would be able or willing to carry out such a dastardly plot, given that most of the former have had heart operations or hip replacements, and that any such scheme would probably make good material for an episode of "Last of the Summer Wine". And, talking of wine, we all had a glass of rosé whilst wondering aloud what the world was coming to when a person couldn't cultivate something a bit more interesting than courgettes without having it stolen. How anyone could have found them and carted them off in the dead of night seemed destined to remain a mystery, but Karine and her neighbour were both unsettled by this, although for different reasons. The neighbour was doubly miffed, because, as he explained, the plants weren't even ready for harvesting! That let me even further off the hook, as I wouldn't know a ripe-for-harvesting cannabis plant form a courgette.<br />
<br />
Anyway, the neighbour left, we had dinner, and I took my leave of Karine at about 9.30. It's a short drive home, passing through the village, round the square and down the road to my house. As if the evening hadn't been eventful enough, I was just turning into the top end of the square when, suddenly, a man in uniform jumped out of a shrub opposite the boulangerie. A Gendarme, no less. No, wait, there were two of them! <br />
<br />
We often joke that the centre of our village is so quiet after 9 in the evening that you could get arrested for having squeaky shoes. Well, I guess that the Gendarmes must feel the need every so often to make their own entertainment. What better way than to lurk in the bushes (on an evening when the local bar is closed, as well) and stop unsuspecting motorists and breathalyse them? <br />
<br />
It came as a bit of a shock to both of us, I can tell you. Me, because I had recently consumed a glass of wine, them because despite my French licence plate, I exited the vehicle on what they assumed was the passenger side, so there ensued a brief moment of confusion while they checked that my car wasn't being propelled by a person of restricted growth who was hiding because they'd been drinking all evening. Once we'd all taken stock, I blew into their machine as requested, produced a negative result ("Nickel! " proclaimed the Gendarme) and was allowed to go about my business. If only I could have said "Look, instead of stopping innocent drivers and doing random breath tests, why not go and solve some real crimes, like the theft of a quantity of recreational drugs! " but discretion is, etc., etc..<br />
<br />
There is a popular misconception among many Brits abroad that rural France is an idyllic place, where there are no drugs, no crime, and everyone can leave their doors open without fear. I am here to tell you that there's a lot more going on than meets the eye. It really isn't all courgettes and sunflowers, you know! <br />
<br />
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Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-91514876257556815782013-01-08T22:34:00.000+00:002013-01-26T20:43:41.306+00:00Happy New Year from the Frog chorus!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ec3.pinimg.com/upload/102597697731289183_SmgRH5jC_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That's the<i> frog-in-the-throat</i> chorus, of course.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The eve of
2013 saw me laying in stocks of various medications, as my voice slowly
dwindled to a husky wheeze. The woman in the local Pharmacie seemed miffed that
I hadn’t at the very least made a doctor’s appointment. She seemed to be taking
it quite personally that I deemed it unnecessary. She rallied a bit when I left
the choice of appropriate over-the-counter medicines to her, and I think she
might have proposed marriage when I asked her for a throat spray to go with the
tablets she’d chosen for me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the
course of the New Year’s opening days, the husky wheeze was joined by a blocked
nose. In an interesting twist, every time I blew my nose, somewhere in the
inner pipework a sort of air lock developed, causing a sound not dissimilar to
that made by a school of dolphins to start up inside my head. I’d almost
forgotten what it feels like to have a cold, as I’ve been mercifully <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>spared the experience for about three years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ec3.pinimg.com/upload/102597697731289183_SmgRH5jC_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://s-media-cache-ec3.pinimg.com/upload/102597697731289183_SmgRH5jC_b.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Luckily
(no, really!) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d popped off to France
to celebrate the New Year with some friends, so, once they had left, I was able
to indulge my germs and lie on the sofa like a Victorian consumptive, with an
industrial-sized box of tissues within easy reach. No-one had to witness my
suffering, and I didn’t have to make futile attempts to cover my red, peeling
nose, or disguise the bags under my eyes. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Communication
with the world at large was almost confined to text messages. TH retired hurt
after calling for advice on how to cook some meatballs and trying to make sense
of my wheezing and heavy breathing as I gasped out the instructions. After
that, a daily “Are you feeling any better?” text seemed to be easier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was invited to various lunches and dinners by
concerned friends, just to keep my spirits up..have they never heard that you
should starve a cold? And you should definitely starve a woman who has had to
resort to leaving the country to get away from the Christmas leftovers! They
kept telling me how well I looked for someone who sounded as though their vocal
chords had been stolen and replaced with some odd nuts and bolts in a biscuit
tin. I think they were trying to be kind, but a quick look in the mirror soon
revealed the dreadful truth. There were healthier-looking people than me
dancing in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">On the eve
of my return, I had to pop down to the village Co-op for some supplies. Upon
hearing my (much-improved) voice, the lady behind the counter informed me that
since the New Year reopening, the vast majority of her customers either had
voices like mine, or were calling in to stock up on those well-known staples
that no self-respecting French family with a bout of gastro should be without:
Coca-cola, rice and carrots. I wasn’t too sure about the carrots, but she was very
clear that carrots played a vital role.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">A tiny
positive aspect was that, when I arrived at the airport for the return journey,
I wasn’t worrying about just how long it might be after my return before I succumbed.
I wasn’t trying to cover my mouth/nose/eyes as all around me sniffled and
wheezed in the queue, on the plane and in the customs hall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am wearing my immunity to further infection
like Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">My voice
has almost returned. Which is just as well, as I’ve started having to use it for
work again. I’ve tried teaching English through the medium of mime, and it’s
not a method I’d recommend.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I hope your
New Year was germ free, and that we can all have a healthy 2013! If, however,
you feel you may be coming down with a sore throat, I can supply some excellent
medication for the cost of an SAE. You know how it is in France: I’ve got
plenty to go round!</span></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-15010941454766302662012-12-26T23:51:00.001+00:002013-01-26T20:42:53.685+00:00We've been here before..<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But, yet again, life in Nowhere-on-Thames has begun to revolve around the "Thames" part.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">On a daily basis, the Environment Agency's robot phones us to warn that we may have some flooding, and exhorts us to move our valuables upstairs, just in case.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">TH has been more preoccupied than usual by this turn of events, as it's the time of year when we renew our house insurance. And, of course, this is the year when the Government has decided to save yet more money by ceasing to provide some support to insurers, and hence the insured, in the form of financial support in case of flood. He spent a long time on the phone to our current insurers, who in turn, very helpfully spent a long time on the phone to their underwriters, and in the end they called to say that they would indeed continue to insure us at fairly modest cost, despite the river Thames' frequent insistence on trying to move into our garden. </span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Although it still hasn't actually flooded here since the 1940's, we are nevertheless seeing the river creep closer and closer to the road, and after the road there's not a lot separating it from our house. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For the second time in 3 weeks, the local golf course looks like this:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-OoAXZIXOk4QnF0GjCpvLF5mnwJQ_m1vc8dtC6_oyKXwCPu4xGPg3tMKK2Wv5-mZ1dzn6Tcq4kCwVooyD7cUAQ7NS0AJyu-2ShhIO14FPzuVLlIF7RI2dFCGbvZEBW5u42J3Dd-i9EGK/s1600/IMG00056-20121201-1411.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-OoAXZIXOk4QnF0GjCpvLF5mnwJQ_m1vc8dtC6_oyKXwCPu4xGPg3tMKK2Wv5-mZ1dzn6Tcq4kCwVooyD7cUAQ7NS0AJyu-2ShhIO14FPzuVLlIF7RI2dFCGbvZEBW5u42J3Dd-i9EGK/s320/IMG00056-20121201-1411.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is the fairway on the 16th.. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Just up the road, the town of Staines recently officially changed its name to Staines-upon-Thames. A change they may now be regretting, as there is an increasing chance that they could, any day, become Staines-under-Thames, or Thames-upon-Staines.</span>Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-59701626541570542002012-12-25T03:37:00.001+00:002013-01-26T20:42:14.126+00:00Jailbreak!!!!Good heavens!<br />
<br />
Firstly, warmest seasonal wishes to one and all.<br />
Secondly, profuse apologies ditto ditto.<br />
Thirdly, never use Blogger on an Ipad in a foreign country.<br />
<br />
I have no idea what I did, either literally or to deserve what transpired, but whilst in France I exited Blogger one day, and could not get in without it insisting that I use the French version. That, I could have coped with, but the French version seemed to want me to do many other things upon which I was less keen, and before I knew it, I had been denied access to my own blog.<br />
<br />
Subsequent life issues (I WILL blog about some of them) have left me with little time to delve into the engine-room problems and break back into my blog, until now.<br />
<br />
It is 3.30 a.m. on Christmas morning, and I am trying to avoid catching some form of virus from TH. The prodigal children have returned for the festivities, and I am waiting for TH (too ill to socialise, well enough to work) to arise from his slumbers and toddle off to work. Yes, on Christmas Day. At which point I will go to bed.<br />
<br />
Much has happened since we last spoke, to me and, I am sure, to you. I also lost my Google Reader rights in the general meltdown, and I have much reading of others' blogs to catch up on.<br />
<br />
For the time being, however, I wish you a Happy Christmas and an excellent 2013. For myself, I wish nothing more than to find this tab still open when I switch my computer back on.<br />
<br />Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-82611440655873917902012-08-07T22:54:00.001+01:002013-01-26T20:41:31.977+00:00There's a hole in...<br />
<br />
My roof. Somewhere. Unfortunately, I have no idea where. <br />
<br />
It all started back in the spring, when we arrived in Nowhere-in-France to discover that water had been dripping into the kitchen via a little recessed window . Or rather from the "ceiling" of the recess.<br />
<br />
TH, who is very handy and competent, went up into the roof void above the source of the drip. This was no mean feat, given that within said void there was a deep covering of ageing insulation material..you know, the type that makes you itch, cough and worry about long-term lung damage. So, we dressed him up in overalls, gloves, coat and cap and covered his face with a fetching purple-and-pink tie dyed scarf for which I had no further use (no doubt you can understand why, from the description) and he climbed up to conduct his investigation.<br />
<br />
After some time and a lot of banging about and rich language, he descended and declared that we needed to sally forth to a nearby DIY emporium to purchase remedial supplies. A temporary fix was achieved, and TH made a list of materials required to bring back in order to complete the task on our next trip.<br />
<br />
When we arrived here a few weeks ago, the weather was accommodating enough to rain on us and allow TH to don his fetching outfit again and take himself and his building materials up into the roof void to complete the repairs..<br />
<br />
It turned out to be easier said than done. The leak refused to desist, and yet more expletives drifted out of the small trapdoor in the roof. A further bout of rain did little to un-dampen TH's mood, but then...oh joy! It appeared that the leak had been stopped!<br />
<br />
TH went home a couple of weeks ago, since when there has been no further rain. Until last weekend, that is. I awoke to drizzle, and set off mid-morning to meet some friends for a coffee, returning at midday to find a small pond on the kitchen floor. The leak had moved about half a metre to the left, and drips were dripping (as drips are wont to do) from various places in the kitchen ceiling. In a lucky coincidence, earlier in the week my pet bucket had given up the ghost, so I had bought a brand new buckety-bowly thing, but, as another downpour ensued, I ended up adorning the kitchen floor with a combination of buckets, bowls, pans and, eventually, a wok. As the rain grew heavier, it sounded as though a bunch of deranged chimps were forming a steel band in the kitchen. Any momentary lapse of concentration on my part when walking to the fridge resulted in an almighty din and the sloshing of water from various receptacles onto the kitchen floor.<br />
<br />
Luckily, it's dry again now, and although I don't mind the occasional shower, my frantic phone calls have galvanised TH into booking a flight to come back and make another valiant attempt to effect repairs.<br />
<br />
If news of rain in SW France reaches you, please spare a thought for me. Apart from anything else, it will mean that I am unable to stir-fry....<br />
<br />
<br />
IMPORTANT P.S: To all the lovely people whose blogs I follow..<br />
Owing to the poor quality of my current Internet connection, I am finding it almost impossible to open and read blogs at the moment. I am missing being able to keep up with you all, but would like to assure you that it is is, rather than laziness or lack of interest, that is keeping me away. Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-85691222958628047572012-07-28T23:03:00.001+01:002013-01-26T20:41:00.279+00:00Courgette fatigue<br />
I must say in my defence that I have no axe to grind with the humble courgette, but, let's face it, you wouldn't describe it as vegetable royalty, would you? Well, I wouldn't, anyway.<br />
<br />
As usual, I seem to have landed in France in peak courgette season..<br />
My neighbours, who are lovely people and who look after me and my family with the greatest kindness at all times, are currently providing me with a seemingly unending supply of the French national seasonal vegetable. The main trouble is that I am now alone. Alone, that is, except for the company of about five kilos of courgettes. In fact, this morning when I surfaced after an evening of patriotic fervour, having bravely stayed awake until 2a.m. To watch the entire Olympic opening ceremony, it was to discover that another three giant specimens had been left on the table outside, along with about half my body weight of green beans. I like green beans, but I rarely consume them in quite such substantial quantities, especially when all alone.<br />
<br />
To add insult to injury, I was just wondering how to transform this surfeit of vegetables into something interesting for dinner when the phone rang, and my friend Karine asked if I would like to pop round for dinner with her. She had cooked a chicken, and her neighbours were bringing some vegetables to have with it (so no opening there for me to volunteer to provide a courgette-and-bean based offering). I dismissed any thoughts of knocking up a courgette mise en bouche and offered to bring the wine, heaving a quiet sigh as I realised that I'd have to leave the courgette dilemma pending until tomorrow...<br />
<br />
I arrived at Karine's house a little later, just as her neighbour was putting the finishing touches to the vegetables on the hob. Courgettes. It was courgettes.<br />
I may have to grate a few into my breakfast muesli if I want to make any impression on my stockpile. I just hope I can find a solution before the next lot arrive....Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-37096500965337303742012-07-20T16:31:00.001+01:002013-01-26T20:40:30.571+00:00Getting connected.....So here we are in the land the Internet forgot.<br />
Week 1, and the attempt to get online begins....<br />
Before leaving Nowhere-on-Thames, I had been pleased to see that Bouygues Telecom had launched a new 3G Internet offer for a very reasonable 9.90 Euros a month. On a contract with no tie-in period, this seemed like the perfect solution to my needs whilst in Nowhere-in-France.<br />
<br />
As is oft the case, the road to connection was to prove long and rocky...<br />
<br />
Before we set off, I had tried very hard to sign up online. I would probably have derived more satisfaction from trying to extract one of my own teeth with a cocktail stick. Firstly, the dongle I was offered to accompany the deal was priced at a sum similar to the current Greek national debt. Some judicious button pressing revealed that there were other choices, but Bouygyes - without knowing my "needs" had chosen for me a dongle which best met them. Or, in other words, they'd offered me the most expensive one in their range. I felt quite smug that I had managed to circumvent their dastardly plan. Until I tried to proceed with my order and found that the one I actually wanted, together with most of the others, was out of stock. <br />
<br />
I tried many ways to contact Bouygues with a few other questions, but, to be frank, I would have had more luck with a Ouija board than any conventional method... Undaunted, I decided that the personal approach might be more effective, and so decided to leave things until we arrived, and then to visit a shop and do the deal in person.<br />
<br />
Monday morning dawned. Now, I know that Monday morning is not the best time to get things done in France, but we had other business in the local metropolis, so I decided that I would try a visit to Bouygues. And it was then that I found that whilst Orange and SFR were open on Monday morning, Bouygues had stuck a notice in their window to the effect that from July 11 to August 20, they would NOT be opening on Monday mornings...<br />
<br />
Thursday. I thought that by now I had given them ample time to ease into their working week, and that it would be a good day to try again. They were, at least open, which was an encouraging start. I joined the queue in the shop. It goes without saying that the queuing part took some time. However, eventually my turn came. I explained to the assistant that I wanted to subscribe to their 9.90 Internet deal, and that I required a particular dongle, which I believed might be out of stock. <br />
<br />
"That one isn't available on this particular offer"said the assistant. "we only have this one at 69.99". I managed not to swallow my teeth.<br />
<br />
"But on your website I am sure it is available on this tariff" I replied "although I think it might be out of stock"<br />
<br />
"Are you sure it was this one?" she asked, having gone into the back of the shop and returned, carrying exactly the one I wanted.<br />
<br />
"Yes" I said "That's the very one!"<br />
<br />
"Well, I can't sell you this one, because it's the only one we have and it isn't available on this offer" She said, waving the object of my desire tantalisingly under my nose. "You can only have this other one and it's 69.99"<br />
<br />
"But" (I tried not to sound too pleading) "But....it IS available on this offer according to your website!"<br />
<br />
And so, in an attempt to prove to me once and for all that I was a pathological liar, she logged onto the website, found the page, and triumphantly announced "See? It's not there!"<br />
<br />
"No" I agreed, "But if you scroll down to....there...and press....that....." and the dongle I wanted was shining back at me from their web page. It might as well have had "England 1 France 0" inscribed on the side. I tried not to sound smug.<br />
<br />
"Yes, but look" she said "here is a list of the shops that have that one in stock, and our shop isn't on it" I felt that she might be trying a bit too hard to regain the upper hand, or else she had forgotten that she had just shown me one that they clearly DID have in stock. "And anyway, it's also 69.99" <br />
<br />
"I think you might find it is cheaper than that" I said .<br />
<br />
She clearly felt by now that reinforcements were needed, so she called upon her colleague. Unfortunately, the colleague quickly confirmed that yes, she could indeed sell me the dongle I wanted under the terms of the offer, even though it was the last one they had in stock, and that no, it wasn't 69.99, but that the price was (smugness was now starting to ooze from my pores despite strenuous efforts to disguise it) 39.99.<br />
<br />
England 2, France 0....<br />
<br />
Cutting a long story short, I lost round 3 on a technicality, as they refused to complete the sale without a RIB and I had forgotten to take the cheque book. Or, to be strictly accurate, I wanted to complete the transaction using my credit card...still a surprisingly alien concept in France, along with the idea that a non-resident might want Internet access without necessarily going to the lengths of opening a French bank account. Not to worry, though..I made sure that I had agreement to put the thing aside for me until I could pop back with the cheque book, a notarised certificate confirming my shoe size, a copy of the family tree going back to the 17th century and my last 85 utility bills.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow, limited Internet access will be mine, and I shall publish this small insight into the joys of life in a strange land. At least, that is the plan.....<br />
<br />
And here I am...but I have to go back tomorrow with proof of my shoe size...Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-79739195251501897362012-07-10T09:30:00.000+01:002013-01-26T20:39:26.951+00:00If the future IS orange....then we're doomed!Some months ago, France Telecom became Orange. Now, for various reasons I've just concluded my divorce from Orange in the UK, so this news did not fill me with confidence. However, over in France, my dealings with our telecoms provider consist of activating and deactivating our telephone landline during the periods I'm in residence over the summer, so there's not too much to worry about. Or so I believed!<br />
<br />
As we're about to sally forth to la terre promesse, I needed to ensure that we have contact with the outside world via a landline, and so I set about going through the process to get ours reconnected.<br />
<br />
Now I've got another of my heads.<br />
<br />
I started last night, thinking it would be a 5-minute job. Which was my first mistake.<br />
<br />
Step 1: Créer votre Espace Client<br />
<br />
What could possibly go wrong?<br />
Enter name and address: OK<br />
Enter e-mail address: Your e-mail address is not valid. YES IT IS!<br />
Your e-mail address is not valid...GRRRR!<br />
Your e-mail address is not valid.....OK, try this: it's the one I never use for anything.<br />
(It works fine)<br />
<br />
Step 2: Ajouter un compte fixe<br />
<br />
Now this is where it really started to go wrong.<br />
<br />
Enter your phone number: OK<br />
Enter your account number, which you will find on top of your bill.<br />
<br />
Slight problem there. You see, we opted for online billing. Which, of course, means that I can only view my bill ONLINE. And I can't see my bill online until I've added my landline account to my Espace Client. Which I can't do without my account number. Which is on top........<br />
<br />
But, hold on a minute! Surely the "Ref. Client" which appears on the top of each letter I get from FT confirming they've activated my phone MUST be my account number? Of course it must!<br />
<br />
<br />
It isn't.<br />
<br />
<br />
And the "No. de contrat" isn't it, either. Nor is the reference number which appears next to any of the direct debit payments on our bank account.<br />
<br />
By now, I've been locked out of the Orange website 3 times for 30 minutes each time because I've exceeded my number of attempts. I have a feeling it's a sort of blessing, designed to prevent angry punters from throwing laptops from upper-storey windows.<br />
<br />
<br />
AHA! but not to worry, I can do this by phone.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://free-retro-graphics.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/telephone-manners-sm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://free-retro-graphics.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/telephone-manners-sm.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Not exactly......<br />
<br />
Plan A: Phone the automated helpline, pronounce the words "Activer ligne résidence secondaire" and Robert est ton Oncle.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, since the advent of Orange, you need a four digit PIN code to do this. Which I haven't got. Apparently, however, this is not a problem, as I can simply phone the number and, provided I have the total of my last bill, I can set one up. Only my bill, as I may have mentioned, is only available online.....<br />
<br />
Plan B: Phone the English-speaking Helpline.<br />
<br />
Cue a recorded message, lots of Muzak and an interminable queue. When I got through (bang on opening-time, so I would not have imagined there'd be a queue) there was a queue. "Your waiting time is estimated at less than 2 minutes" they said, encouragingly.<br />
<br />
NINE minutes later, I was greeted by the lovely Sarah, who was going to help me. In English. Although a close look at Orange's website reveals that, if you phone Orange France from overseas, this is the only number you can call, irrespective of whether you speak English or not.<br />
<br />
Anyway, Sarah was more than happy to organise activation of my phone line for me. But I wanted more. I wanted my account number, so that I could set up my Espace Client, and do all those other things all by myself like a big girl.<br />
<br />
"Can I speak to you in French?" I asked. I just prefer it...I sort of feel more in control of both sides of the conversation then.<br />
"Well, we're not supposed to, because this is the English Speaking helpline..."<br />
"Look", I said, " I just need to get some information". And I explained. In French, because I'm paying for the call and, like Frank Sinatra and Sid Vicious, I'll do it my way.<br />
"No problem" said Sarah, after slightly misunderstanding my question and trying to explain to me how to get an internet account with Orange (or was it a cunning marketing ploy?).<br />
<br />
"Here's your account number" she said "Have you got a pen?" I assured her that my writing implement was poised and at the ready.<br />
<br />
At which point, she began reading the account number that had already got me locked out of the Orange website 3 times. I completed the last few figures for her.<br />
<br />
"But that one doesn't work!" I wailed "I've been trying it for ages!"<br />
<br />
"Well, normally, you just need to put a zero in front" she said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world and I was clearly stupid not to have though of it.<br />
<br />
Marvellous.<br />
<br />
I wonder if I can get a carrier-pigeon on ebay?<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, in a mere 4 hours from now, the Olympic Torch Relay will be jogging around the local castle. If only I had a copy of my Orange bill, I would jog along and try to set it alight on the flame.Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-24119523813706159622012-06-29T23:53:00.000+01:002013-01-26T20:38:41.040+00:00Hanging around....<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yesterday
was a very proud moment indeed for the N-o-T household, as TH’s latest job came
to an end, following months of running round like a headless chicken (him, not
me) and a long series of business trips taking in such exotic locations as
Switzerland, Austria, Scunthorpe and Bolton….</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yes, dear
reader, for the last six months, TH has been managing the construction
programme for this: London’s first cable car. Or, as some have billed it, “the
world’s most expensive Cable Car”.. a slight exaggeration, according to inside
sources. Well, according to TH, who has had his hand on the purse strings for
much of the venture.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We’ve had
our ups and downs. Again, not me, as I’ve remained on terra firma, but TH would
insist on sending me scary photos such as these, just in case the full impact
of dangling 90 metres above the River Thames might have been lost on me. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGL0yfY6vZ9SRLOul7lF5JK5TpSoEQW1kvQtzGh64jceChzie6b1FLBP3y4JBIkElvBBmEkchg-efInyp5LZS3IktkECulmO-Q1VRhGla8ckkRM_a4BiHuwIKLrWCZA9j-gWGJafi3W-tE/s1600/IMG00162-20120516-1210.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGL0yfY6vZ9SRLOul7lF5JK5TpSoEQW1kvQtzGh64jceChzie6b1FLBP3y4JBIkElvBBmEkchg-efInyp5LZS3IktkECulmO-Q1VRhGla8ckkRM_a4BiHuwIKLrWCZA9j-gWGJafi3W-tE/s320/IMG00162-20120516-1210.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg8Hd1k6YRBh0vGauwZDYzD5h7mEu0x5VRq6a9pY89IGT2S2GoyN8cOZrXU4BdynZDsOI7UsLl9Sx5Z0GZ7_aDJyaQrAgqaVzMgRcPLZIRVaUNDc4uGgAa8paQzH-u3jcMNmFEIHbp7FEa/s1600/IMG00136-20120504-1207.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhg8Hd1k6YRBh0vGauwZDYzD5h7mEu0x5VRq6a9pY89IGT2S2GoyN8cOZrXU4BdynZDsOI7UsLl9Sx5Z0GZ7_aDJyaQrAgqaVzMgRcPLZIRVaUNDc4uGgAa8paQzH-u3jcMNmFEIHbp7FEa/s320/IMG00136-20120504-1207.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsFOwCTiRsaNpMN0KJYnXnIm6_uCwIuSwLtywgjzjxtplHfBlHNGbq9KI4SdoHBahzUTC3PBpsNUFozgaCQoGdPpXM26-XOs2xt40_eFl4P_HSKqoSAiddNntkExe1205ZkuxAmCvy3N99/s1600/Greenwich-20120504-00155.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsFOwCTiRsaNpMN0KJYnXnIm6_uCwIuSwLtywgjzjxtplHfBlHNGbq9KI4SdoHBahzUTC3PBpsNUFozgaCQoGdPpXM26-XOs2xt40_eFl4P_HSKqoSAiddNntkExe1205ZkuxAmCvy3N99/s320/Greenwich-20120504-00155.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw_873S6koDBP17spC3ZGfn5inxgej3VV5LcUQ320IJAa0tIC2KKC86UJkYXBXdUovpWIyia3IaQPNvPFYkLWwmd4bXUzZ7ENwW1s7sAIoQcBDQU9zoZQYZu4H3RDYrjAJVG69ISBUgFYP/s1600/IMG00118-20120413-1401.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw_873S6koDBP17spC3ZGfn5inxgej3VV5LcUQ320IJAa0tIC2KKC86UJkYXBXdUovpWIyia3IaQPNvPFYkLWwmd4bXUzZ7ENwW1s7sAIoQcBDQU9zoZQYZu4H3RDYrjAJVG69ISBUgFYP/s320/IMG00118-20120413-1401.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">No,
the ups and downs were more to do with the fact that Messrs Johnston and
Livingstone held diametrically opposed views regarding the value of the project
to London’s transport infrastructure, and the whole project could have been
left in mid-air (see what I did there?) if the Mayoral elections had gone the
other way.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yesterday,
Mad Boris was transported across the Thames and waxed lyrical about the
marvellous feat of engineering for the assembled press. Owing to a mess-up in
arrangements, I watched this from the comfort of my sofa, because plans to meet
TH in London and take a ride were scuppered by other commitments. In a way, I
was quite glad, once I learned that the hardier types had started forming a
queue at 5 a.m. yesterday morning.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Well, it’s
over now, and we can relax, safe in the knowledge that anyone who needs to dash
between the Greco-Roman wrestling and the Tae-Kwan-do events at the Olympics
will not find themselves having to swim between venues if their timings are a
bit tight. And you may mock, but in the lottery that has been the allocation of
tickets, you can bet that more people than expected have been left holding
tickets for those two events, having randomly applied for anything and
everything in the hope of landing tickets for something far more exciting.</span></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-60111738530055800312012-06-14T20:02:00.000+01:002013-01-26T20:38:01.246+00:00Do I LOOK like a child abductor?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Much is
made these days of the fact that children are overprotected by their parents.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I would
like to venture the suggestion that there are some children who should probably
be protected <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">from</i> their parents, as
the parents do not seem to be the most reliable of people. I refer, in
particular, to the following two experiences, both of which have taken place at
our home in N-o-T within the last two months.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Scenario 1</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sunday,
early afternoon. TH is busy doing the Tour du Shed (pre-burglary) and I am
pottering. The doorbell rings. In the absence of anyone else to do the deed, I
answer it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">On the
doorstep stands a rather unkempt and slightly harassed-looking man, accompanied
by a small boy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“I’ve come
to collect Katie” he says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I look back
at him, waiting for additional information.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“Katie?” He
says “From the party?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“I think
you have the wrong house” I say, politely. “I do not know a Katie, and there is
no party here”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">He makes a
loud “Tut!” of exasperation, turns on his heel and marches off, as if it is my
fault that we are not hosting a party, or as if maybe we ARE, and have
forgotten to issue Katie with an invitation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I return to
my pottering, throwing a bit of muttering in, for good measure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Scenario 2</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Approximately
5.45 pm this afternoon. I am sending a few e-mails. The doorbell rings. I
answer it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“Caroline?”
says the man on the doorstep “Caroline’s mum?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I refrain
from jumping in with any response, pending further clarification.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“I’m looking
for my daughter” says the man. “She’s here on a playdate, and…I’ve got the
wrong house, haven’t I? My wife would kill me if she could see this, I told her
I knew exactly where it was….do YOU know where Caroline lives?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I reply
that I’m sorry, but I don’t know any Caroline living nearby. None of the small
boys next door appear to be called Caroline, and I’m fairly certain that none
of the small girls in the immediate vicinity are called Caroline, either.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I
apologise, and, refreshingly, so does he, as he sets off in search of Caroline,
asking as he leaves whether I mind him leaving his car outside our house whilst
he conducts his search.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I wonder
how such a big thing as not knowing where you’ve left your child actually
occur, and am then reminded that the PM and Mrs C successfully left their
offspring at the pub over the weekend. It seems to be an increasingly common
oversight. And rather worrying…..</span></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-44023377598621737972012-06-11T23:22:00.000+01:002013-01-26T20:36:53.229+00:00Let them eat steak<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When we
first set up camp in Nowhere-in-France, we put up for a night at the local
bar/hotel/resto, having a distinct lack of furniture in our new abode. It was
thus that we came to know the patron, the lovely Yves, who has remained a close
friend ever since.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">At that
time (and still) the premises, as is so often the case, belonged to the local
commune, and the fonds de commerce to Yves. It had been a stipulation of the
commune that the person running the business should live “over the shop”, but
Yves has his own home, wife and children in the village and didn’t want to move
into the then rather cramped accommodation at the bar.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Back then,
the place was a thriving village bar, with baby-foot, billiards and an
excellent menu du jour (or soir), where locals and a few of us non-locals would
congregate for coffee, lunch, New Year and other occasions. Yves is a wonderful
cook, and his pronouncement that he would knock up “something simple” for New
Year’s Eve resulted in one of the best evenings in terms of food and company
that we have ever enjoyed in France. The whole place was “proper”. Slightly
fading, full of various characters from around the village, and, simply, a
centre for life and exchange of gossip.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Yves, however,
became tired of having to keep the place going whilst not living on the
premises, and his family life and free time was suffering. So, some five or six
years ago, the place was sold.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The new
owners, a couple, fresh from running a catering operation at a seaside
camp-site, clearly had delusions of grandeur. Over time, the menus became more
and more pretentious, the prices more and more ridiculous, and the number of
cheesed-off locals increased exponentially with each change. Gone was the
homely atmosphere, replaced with transparent plastic chairs in shades of bright
orange and green. The local youngsters were banned, along with the billiard
table and the baby-foot, and vegetable accompaniments were served in minute
Kilner jars whilst the meat was garnished with a floral tribute. The whole
thing was a real triumph of style over substance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The local building firm, whose workers
regularly numbered a good 12-15 people, moved to a Routier some 10Km distant to
take lunch, and the waitress suddenly had to wear a radio microphone to liaise
with the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just about everyone in the village had a tale
to tell about how they had been upset by the chef-patron.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There was
thus a current of excitement running through the village last week, as the
couple from hell packed up and left, and a new couple moved in. The Grand
Reopening (well, just a very low-key opening of the doors at lunchtime) was
scheduled for last Thursday, and along with a group of friends, I went along to
see what was what.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The new
owners (the wife of the partnership is English, from Newcastle, whilst her
husband is French and the chef – of course) seemed very pleasant and welcoming.
She seemed genuinely surprised to see so many customers wishing to eat there on
their very first service, but maybe they reckoned without the natural curiosity
and optimism of a village deprived for so long of a convivial place to enjoy
lunch.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">We were a
table of seven. Other tables were occupied. Since my recent car accident, I cannot
set foot outside the house without bumping into the woman who hit me, or her
husband, and they were seated at the adjacent table! Yves also joined us. He
never got on with the previous incumbents, and I think he was hopeful that “his”
bar would slowly become a more pleasant place again.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Oh dear.
Somehow I’d sort of forgotten how very little it can take to annoy the
discerning French. Never mess with a Frenchman’s lunch. You may as well go
round to his house and immolate his family.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">1. The
prices had gone up (not much, but too much for some)</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">2. The set
menu price was one where the choices were Entrée/Main/Dessert or Entrée/Main or
Main/Dessert (let’s face it, first day of opening..they had no idea whether
they’d be catering to the masses or watching tumbleweed rolling across the
village square)</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">3. The
helpings were deemed too small</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">4. <b>THE WINE
WAS NOT INCLUDED IN THE MENU PRICE</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">5. <span style="font-size: large;"><b>WINE WAS
BEING OFFERED BY THE GLASS OR BY THE BOTTLE</b></span> (the latter only came to light
later) </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">During the
meal, small mumblings of dissent could be heard. By the time we walked outside
into the afternoon sun, there was the start of a local revolt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Well, we
won’t be coming back for at least a month until they’ve got their act together”
said my car accident woman’s husband “the helpings are far too small” (I can
see his point: he’s built like a Sumo wrestler and half a small cow could well
be too small for him)</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“I’m not
standing for this ‘glass of wine’ business:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>it’s absurd having to call a waitress every time your glass is empty”
said one of my party “I think we should tell them! They bought the 'fonds' so they must still have the pichets!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“And what’s
happened to the idea of being able to have just a Plat and wine?” wailed
someone else “I <i>had</i> to have a dessert, because I was going to have to pay for
it anyway”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The thing
is, I suspect that the outgoing tenants had intimated that the village yokels
wouldn’t recognise haute cuisine if it came up and smacked them, and that a
pretentious, overpriced restaurant is just what the village needs, whether
they want it or not.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I sincerely
hope that someone takes the newcomers aside and explains that they can be as
upmarket as they like in the evenings, or when there’s an “R” in the month, but
that the lunchtime core business is predominantly the steak-frites-and-a-pichet
brigade, who need more than a couple of miniature new potatoes to sustain them
until dinner.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">They seem
like lovely people. I so badly want them to make a go of things and to have our
local bar-resto back as a pleasant place to be. I suspect, though, that no-one
will step up and actually voice these concerns to them, and that they will
plough a lonely furrow, trying to drag the locals “upmarket”…</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have to
say that my lunch was extremely enjoyable. I had a delicious pork dish with a
rich and flavourful sauce, followed by a café gourmand. No wine problems, as I
stuck to water. Maybe I’m too easily pleased? Or is this one of those times
when Not Being French is a real problem?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2959171031921599161.post-14745411145844004632012-06-11T11:24:00.000+01:002013-01-26T20:36:21.655+00:00The Magic Roundabout<a href="http://nowhereonthames.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/swings-and-roundabouts.html" target="_blank"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</a><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">One of the
best and most surprising bits of news from Nowhere-in-France last week was the
arrival of Our Very Own « feature roundabout » !!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">After </span><a href="http://nowhereonthames.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/swings-and-roundabouts.html" target="_blank">my earlier blog post</a><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"> extolling the virtues of these local landmarks, I was very
surprised to find that we now have one on the main road at the entrance to our
village. Even more surprised, as it literally appeared overnight!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Having been
to dinner with friends the previous evening, (via the roundabout which, at that time, sprouted
some rather sad brown grass and a rectangle of earth) I was driving into the
village to join them again for lunch in our local bar-resto (which,
incidentally, is Under New Management – more of which anon…) and, as I
approached the roundabout, I saw a whole host of people, cars parked all over
the verges alongside, and this:</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHyU6EHSLPEDDzr-bBLts5KAaAV4vYt6gF5VFp1ubjERaGBgGFlB9iHK3ltIVZwlF0lld0DHrws0zYTiLqnBOvTsKieXlXnltGYwT1vo-qxBLrlsUvrl7m46D7iK3qh3LPp5kps0z_BygW/s1600/019.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHyU6EHSLPEDDzr-bBLts5KAaAV4vYt6gF5VFp1ubjERaGBgGFlB9iHK3ltIVZwlF0lld0DHrws0zYTiLqnBOvTsKieXlXnltGYwT1vo-qxBLrlsUvrl7m46D7iK3qh3LPp5kps0z_BygW/s320/019.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu9GaiNxVu_RyZoA6j7vHcx3A1TCQAAGJ7a8NpdkzQnPFhV01wFCeXB3-GDklLFBcq_o1m_-q32gZHdtM02y_44x7r48sOqrXnDORJ7vA1aun00MOf3a_C-9JXq8vQYV1sAJ_8brzvERI-/s1600/020.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu9GaiNxVu_RyZoA6j7vHcx3A1TCQAAGJ7a8NpdkzQnPFhV01wFCeXB3-GDklLFBcq_o1m_-q32gZHdtM02y_44x7r48sOqrXnDORJ7vA1aun00MOf3a_C-9JXq8vQYV1sAJ_8brzvERI-/s320/020.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It’s a
replica of the main doorway to our XII Century local church and, although it
looks a little stark at the moment, I am assured that it is to be landscaped in
the coming weeks, so I look forward to returning next month and seeing the
finished article.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I later
discovered that our neighbour can claim a certain responsibility for the
success of the project thus far. Apparently, it was too heavy to lift into
position, so he was summoned with his tractor to winch it upright. Very
splendid it looks, too. </span></div>
<br />Croixblancheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01192628008722634336noreply@blogger.com5