If the future IS orange....then we're doomed!

Some months ago, France Telecom became Orange. Now, for various reasons I've just concluded my divorce from Orange in the UK, so this news did not fill me with confidence. However, over in France, my dealings with our telecoms provider consist of activating and deactivating our telephone landline during the periods I'm in residence over the summer, so there's not too much to worry about. Or so I believed!

As we're about to sally forth to la terre promesse, I needed to ensure that we have contact with the outside world via a landline, and so I set about going through the process to get ours reconnected.

Now I've got another of my heads.

I started last night, thinking it would be a 5-minute job. Which was my first mistake.

Step 1: Créer votre Espace Client

What could possibly go wrong?
Enter name and address: OK
Enter e-mail address: Your e-mail address is not valid. YES IT IS!
Your e-mail address is not valid...GRRRR!
Your e-mail address is not valid.....OK, try this: it's the one I never use for anything.
(It works fine)

Step 2: Ajouter un compte fixe

Now this is where it really started to go wrong.

Enter your phone number: OK
Enter your account number, which you will find on top of your bill.

Slight problem there.  You see, we opted for online billing. Which, of course, means that I can only view my bill ONLINE. And I can't see my bill online until I've added my landline account to my Espace Client. Which I can't do without my account number. Which is on top........

But, hold on a minute! Surely the "Ref. Client" which appears on the top of each letter I get from FT confirming they've activated my phone MUST be my account number? Of course it must!


It isn't.


And the "No. de contrat" isn't it, either. Nor is the reference number which appears next to any of the direct debit payments on our bank account.

By now, I've been locked out of the Orange website 3 times for 30 minutes each time because I've exceeded my number of attempts. I have a feeling it's a sort of blessing, designed to prevent angry punters from throwing laptops from upper-storey windows.


AHA! but not to worry, I can do this by phone.

Not exactly......

Plan A: Phone the automated helpline, pronounce the words "Activer ligne résidence secondaire" and Robert est ton Oncle.

Unfortunately, since the advent of Orange, you need a four digit PIN code to do this. Which I haven't got. Apparently, however, this is not a problem, as I can simply phone the number and, provided I have the total of my last bill, I can set one up. Only my bill, as I may have mentioned, is only available online.....

Plan B: Phone the English-speaking Helpline.

Cue a recorded message, lots of Muzak and an interminable queue. When I got through (bang on opening-time, so I would not have imagined there'd be a queue) there was a queue. "Your waiting time is estimated at less than 2 minutes" they said, encouragingly.

NINE minutes later, I was greeted by the lovely Sarah, who was going to help me. In English. Although a close look at Orange's website reveals that, if you phone Orange France from overseas, this is the only number you can call, irrespective of whether you speak English or not.

Anyway, Sarah was more than happy to organise activation of my phone line for me. But I wanted more. I wanted my account number, so that I could set up my Espace Client, and do all those other things all by myself like a big girl.

"Can I speak to you in French?" I asked. I just prefer it...I sort of feel more in control of both sides of the conversation then.
"Well, we're not supposed to, because this is the English Speaking helpline..."
"Look", I said, " I just need to get some information". And I explained. In French, because I'm paying for the call and, like Frank Sinatra and Sid Vicious, I'll do it my way.
"No problem" said Sarah, after slightly misunderstanding my question and trying to explain to me how to get an internet account with Orange (or was it a cunning marketing ploy?).

"Here's your account number" she said "Have you got a pen?"  I assured her that my writing implement was poised and at the ready.

At which point, she began reading the account number that had already got me locked out of the Orange website 3 times. I completed the last few figures for her.

"But that one doesn't work!" I wailed "I've been trying it for ages!"

"Well, normally, you just need to put a zero in front" she said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world and I was clearly stupid not to have though of it.

Marvellous.

I wonder if I can get a carrier-pigeon on ebay?

Meanwhile, in a mere 4 hours from now, the Olympic Torch Relay will be jogging around the local castle. If only I had a copy of my Orange bill, I would jog along and try to set it alight on the flame.