Stop me if I’m boring you, won’t you ?

Phase 99 of the plan to vacate Nowhere on Thames is already upon us. So, far, phases 1-98 have been either abortive or frustrating or both.

We teeter on the brink of deciding between Arthur Daley, Sebastian Pink-Scarf and Agent 3, with whom we both seemed to hit it off. Nobody can really seem to give us an accurate valuation on our house, though, as the spread is about £50K, with Sebastian Pink-Scarf trailing pitifully in third place. 

Meanwhile, on the purchase side, things are (in the words of the famous song title) a ball of confusion.  Epsom, or at least parts of it, is delightful. However, many parts of it seem to be up steep hills (and God only knows why all these steep hills should be called “downs” when they are mostly “ups”) and miles from even the nearest newsagent. I am currently fortunate enough to be able to gambol up hills like a mountain goat, but I have reached the time of life where I doubt that my dodgy knees will miraculously heal, and somehow the thought of a mile or so’s slog to the nearest purveyor of milk and newspapers has lost its appeal. Who knew we were so spoiled, with a railway station and a village centre in such close proximity to N-o-T? The idea that “I’m just popping out for some milk” would be the precursor to a cross-country marathon of some 2 miles or more, and the thought of being snowed in up a steep hill have somewhat dampened our initial enthusiasm.  So, the hunt is on for somewhere flatter, and preferably, not as “on Thames” as we’re used to, as my nerves really can’t take too much more of the regular automated phone calls from the Environment Agency, telling us we’re on flood alert.

The other thing is that, after never having lived in a new house in either of our respective lives, TH and I have rather suddenly concluded that it might be nice to experience  somewhere with windows that fit, a central heating system that actually heats the whole house and – another current fad that we’d never add on, but of which builders seem to be enamoured  – solar panels to heat the water.

The downside to new houses, apart from the current trend towards vast open spaces where once there were rooms, is the garden. Or lack thereof. Even in the smallest of new developments, builders seem to have adopted the approach that, if they just move that house a bit to the left, shove that one further back on its plot and push the two a bit closer together, hey presto, they can squeeze another one in on the end. I think we may be able to put the lawn mower on ebay if we go this route. I could probably manicure the lawn with a pair of scissors. And anyway, who wants to be gardening when they could be sitting in the kitchen-dining-family room looking out of the window at several yards of unbroken fencing? 

The other downside, which really surprised me, is that many of today’s developers seem to have had their show homes decorated by someone with a crack habit. No, seriously.  I remember once seeing Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen or someone of his ilk decorating a room by putting the wallpaper on the walls horizontally. However, that was in the 1990’s, and I’m guessing that it could be one of several reasons we don’t see much of him on TV these days.  I also recall him decorating someone’s living room in deepest suburbia in rather dramatic black and fuchsia floral wallpaper. There you go: another reason we probably don’t see him much on telly. However, I think we’ve found someone to whom he might have bequeathed his mood boards.  And, for crying out loud, does the builder really generate more sales by having a pile of towels tied with a ribbon sitting on top of the toilet seat? 

Whilst the rest of the world is being exhorted by a plethora of “experts” to declutter their homes and paint the walls in inoffensive neutral colours, new house builders seem to feel that we need drama in the form of a show home staged for sale by Hilda Ogden, with a tasteful Muriel or two papered to the walls. 

I am hoping that, in the event we locate our dream home, we can manage to get in in time, before anyone tampers with the interior décor. Maybe it’s a sign of age, but magnolia will do. Really, it will. If I want to hang wallpaper, I’d like it to be my own decision, and I’d really like (call me old-fashioned) to stick it on the walls vertically. And yes, I am sitting here typing this wearing my beige cardigan. There’s probably no hope.