Showing posts with label Language. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Language. Show all posts

Friday, 25 January 2013

Dear Sir Minister Cameron.....



It’s been one of my various jobs, over the past ten years, to teach English as a Foreign Language at a local college, not far from N-o-T.

When I first began, the Government of the Day, in its wisdom, had decreed that EU nationals, asylum seekers and those in receipt of benefits could avail themselves of free English lessons. It was also a time which hailed the start of an impressive influx of people from Poland into the UK. I had started teaching in February, and the following September, at the start of the academic year, my new class numbered some 48 students, of which 60% were Polish. Not so much teaching as crowd control! A number of additional teachers were swiftly recruited, as lessons had turned into a huge game of musical chairs as the number of students increased exponentially week-on-week, whilst the number of chairs and table remained at the same level.

Now, some ten years on, many of the Polish students I knew in those days have returned to Poland, although I still bump into a few from the early days, very settled in the local area.

My classes today are a much more multinational affair. This term, I have 14 students (the numbers now are much more manageable, and have been since the Government stopped free lessons: they were “too successful”). The mix of nationalities mirrors much of what we hear in the media. Of my 14 souls, four are Spanish, two Greek, two Portuguese, one Russian, one Pole, one Slovak, two Indians and a Colombian. The last two years have seen a significant increase in the numbers of students from southern Europe, whilst there are very few Poles these days.

In my local area, which may not be representative of the demographic elsewhere, most of these people are either au pairs, or work in catering and hospitality. A surprisingly large number also work as carers for the elderly or in care homes. I read (when I can’t avoid it) with some confusion and dismay the reports of immigrants being in receipt of benefits, housing, handouts and support, and wonder where these people live. Because I’ve never met any migrants who conform to that profile. 

Not only do they all work, but they give up 5 hours a week after work to attend English lessons. And they work hard at that, too. They attend regularly, they ask for the work they’ve missed if they can’t come, they do homework and they work their socks off in class.  And they pay for the privilege.
Last week, we had a lesson about the EU, the UK and the latter’s current approach (or that of the current Government of the Day) to the former. Mr Cameron’s current pronouncements on the EU and immigration have most of them flummoxed. 

“So”, they asked “if we go home, will English people want to do our jobs?”

“I have never seen an English person apply for a job where I work” said one “until this year. This year we took on three English people. They lasted just 3 weeks”

“ We pay tax and National Insurance” they said “And we don’t use the NHS”

“I expected to come here and be a waitress” said one Spanish girl – she and her partner are in my class “but we both found jobs in IT, which is what we’re qualified in, and they were really pleased to have us”

“ We are contributing to the cultural mix in the UK” they said “And it’s what we love about being here: the diversity”

So I asked them, for homework, to write a letter to Mr Cameron, telling him how they felt and what they thought.

All of them did a great job. They expressed themselves, within the limitations of their command of English, with eloquence and clarity.  At a time when I’ve been questioning whether I want to continue doing this job at all, they made me remember why I love it.

Here’s a letter from a lady who is a grandmother, and whose grandchildren and children are back in Poland. I’d like David Cameron AND Nigel Farage to read lots more letters like this:

Dear Sir Minster Cameron (OK, a bit of work to do here…)
I writing to you, a Polish immigrant, living alone in the UK almost 7 years.

Last time you said that “Migrant jobseekers who don’t bother to learn English will be stripped of benefits”

So I’m learning English, I’m watching only English TV and I’m reading newspapers every day.
I’m working all the time and don’t use the benefits. I’m working in English company, I have a contract for work. My employers are happy of me because I respect my work and carry out their/my diutes well. All this time I pay tax and insurance.

I have many of English Friends at work. We often meet after work. We cook together and talk about English and Polish culture, history, music and literature.

Sometimes we go out to a restaurant, to the cinema or a pup.

I live in this country, sought to make something good for him..And therefore I don’t understand why you don’t like Polish immigrants.

Sometimes, when I’m out and about in Nowhere-in-France, I have the misfortune to come across people, British people, who wax lyrical about “(*)(*^&%^! Immigrants  in the UK” and how it’s “one of the reasons we left”

For me, they’re one of the reasons I stay. And why I don’t think there’s anywhere else I’d rather be. Unless some idiot in Westminster decides to spoil it all.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Shalalalala means "I Love You"

And "Ohlalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" means "no".

The people who both installed and have subsequently, year by year, opened and closed our swimming pool, disappeared last year. No, not an odd choice of words, they just went. In the much-vaunted style of French customer service, they were there one minute and gone the next. No warning, no "we're retiring/closing down" no message on the answering machine or any kind of e-mail reply.

So, this year, I have had to start hunting for someone to open our pool. TH can't come to France right now, and there are all sorts of electrical/mechanical/technical things to do which are beyond my ken, so I need a man who can.

I was given the name of a man who could by my neighbour. They know him, their son knows him, and, as is so often the way in La France Profonde, dropping the right names is the key to getting people to come and do work. I learned this once, when trying to locate a plumber over the Christmas holiday period on behalf of some friends who had a serious water leak. "Do I know them?" He asked, when I phoned "I don't know" I said, "but they live just round the corner from you". "I don't know them" he went on "and I'm on holiday. Can't they get the person who installed their plumbing to come?" "Well" I replied "He may no longer be with us. The plumbing came with the house, and the house is over 100 years old". He wouldn't come. He didn't know them, and that was that.

Yesterday, then, I called the pool man. "Could you possibly come and open up our pool?" I asked.
"Oh la la la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" he said, laced with all the gravitas and intonation necessary to convince me that this was impossible. "Look, it's not urgent" I said "I'm still in the UK at the moment, and I'm not arriving for a couple of weeks" "Oh la la la laaaaaaaaah" He said again " I'm snowed under for at least the next month"

I can't face any more Oh la laaaa- ing, so TH and I have agreed that the pool can stay closed until TH can open it in another month's time.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Thank you : I don’t need your help !



I have long ranted about the use of online translation tools. To be more precise, I have long ranted about the danger of using them. Trawl around the expat forums and barely a week goes by without someone either asking which one is best, extolling their virtues or advocating their use. Usually this is for the most inappropriate of situations: disputes with public bodies, making complaints, requesting detailed information…

Just today, having noticed some weeks ago that Facebook has now “thoughtfully” provided the option of using one such tool (Bing, to be precise) in order to convert non-English posts to English, I thought I’d give it a whirl. And, coincidentally, one of my ex-students posted a message in her native Japanese.
The context (she has helpfully already explained this in English to her wider network of non-Japanese-speaking friends) is that she has just got a job working at the Tokyo Skytree: the tallest tower (and the second-tallest building) in the world….

A: 22nd May, The Grand Opening!
Tomorrow I'll be there in uniform; D Today was the last training day.
And tomorrow is finally open! First, to work confidently in their locker and go from gumball.
A's friend: Good luck to you! Power of the River from a distance.
A: Thank you-! From the Singapore looks close? What about huge but I'm too invisible?.
A's other friend: Ms. cherry blossoms looked for do the training of new staff in the news yesterday, but we unfortunately didn't know > <? good luck!
A: Thank you -I is in heaven wants deck restaurant 634 recent Concierge! But still a feeling State of your job gumballs!

And, lest you believe that the simple explanation lies with the difficulty of providing an accurate translation from Japanese, here’s another example, posted by a Hungarian friend. 

"The összevisszaságban find the simplicity and the hangzavarban of the harmony. Among the problems is the possibility is always there. " (Albert Einstein). 
Now, I know Einstein demands a certain intellectual rigour, but that one’s beyond me!

Meanwhile, a Portuguese friend says:
Without doubt the greatest phenomenon that has seen the Library! Not completed 3 months of contract and it seemed that there was already a year! He left there guria miss! And when you have a barbecue or any other event saw consider yourself invited! And no excuses! XOXO


STEP AWAY from the online translation tool!!!

Monday, 12 March 2012

Once upon a payslip...



Well, I don’t quite know how I got myself into this, but it’s too late now.

Some months ago, a client asked me if I would take on the task of becoming their translator. They’re in the midst of a French acquisition, they’re an American company, and in-house French speakers are thin on the ground. I said yes, because I quite enjoy the cerebral challenge of doing translations and because…well…because I need the money.

Anyway, it all started off quite gently, and I was pleased I’d agreed. Pleased, that is, apart from when I went off to Nowhere-in-France for the first time in forever without my laptop, and got an e-mail whilst I was on the way to the airport with an “emergency” translation. This meant that I firstly had to acquire a notepad.

I don’t know if anyone has ever tried to buy a notepad in WH Smith at Stansted, but let me warn you. They have two. One is £15 and is leather-bound, and the other is slightly larger than a postage stamp. And there was me thinking that WHS were famous for stationery! With the help of a friendly assistant, I managed to find something suitable on the shelf stacked with games to amuse the under-twelves, and parked myself in the coffee shop to set to work. It was all fairly straightforward, and I arrived in France with my carefully-written translation, where friends lent me a spare laptop, neighbours gave me internet access, and the job was done.

A few other little jobs came my way, and then, last week, my contact sent me an e-mail. It started off by saying “Here is a lengthy translation for you (sorry about that!). It's also a payroll tender document, so it's not even something exciting.” Well, a more accurate assessment of the situation would be hard to find. It’s actually 120 pages of minutiae about the French company’s payroll software, and I’m not yet halfway through and already I’ve lost the will to live. I’ve also got a frozen neck, a bad back and an overwhelming urge to grab Nicolas Sarkozy warmly by the throat, but I am pretty sure I won’t be alone on that last bit.

It’s so boring that bits I’ve already translated just don’t ring a bell when I come across them a paragraph later. It’s also so chock-a-block with acronyms that I am beginning to think they’ve just added them in to make my eyes rotate in their sockets.

So, here’s a little quiz for you. No, I don’t know all the answers, but I will have written them down somewhere.  It starts gently enough, but then it gets worse and worse…

ASSEDIC, URSSAF, CDD, CDI  (easy, huh? Just you wait…) 

DADSU, PERCO, CSG, CRDS, AED, N4DS, DIF, STC, AGS, ARRCO,AGIRC,GMP,AGFF,APEC,CIPS,CIPC R, DUE,CIX, TA, TB,CCNSA,CE,DP,IJSS…….. 

And I’m only on page 20 of 45 in the second of three documents…

I may be some time.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

I love my job..


A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to take on a new class at a local children’s centre attached to a school. It was billed as a “Communication Skills” class, and I was told that there would be seven or eight students with a similar level of English.

I’m about to embark on week three. Week one wasn’t too bad. One lady was clearly more advanced than the others: I did a class on parts of the body and visiting the doctor, and at the end I found out that back in her own country (Japan) she’s a nurse.. Oops! The three Polish students can speak a little but write next to nothing. This was demonstrated when, on filling in their registration forms, all three ticked their ethnic origin as being “White Irish”. The Romanian lady understands some things, but can’t write either, so I had to fill in her form. I spent a good five minutes trying to extract her date of birth from her, including miming rocking a baby and singing “Happy Birthday to you” whilst she shuffled through her purse, bringing out her National Insurance card (no birthdate) and a handful of supermarket receipts (ditto). We got there in the end, but I was beginning to see the magnitude of the task ahead.

Week two was a surprise. Half the students seemed to have decided to bring a friend, so my seven had grown to eleven, of whom three spoke not a word of English. Now things got difficult. If I gave the more advanced ones something to do, the non-English-speakers sat silently looking lost, and if I spent time with the beginners, the more advanced group had finished their work and were discussing other things.  The Polish and Bangladeshi contingents help each other, so that works. The Romanian lady brought her friend, so they can at least sit together for moral support. The Hungarian lady went rigid with fear every time I looked her way. The Venezuelan lady, who came with her husband (he speaks English so he went home), sat looking petrified and then gave me a bear hug at the end and said “Thank you”..although I’m not quite sure what I did!

They can all introduce themselves, so that was a start. By dint of struggle, I’ve learned that between them they have 26 children, all or most of whom were born in the UK, and many of whom must therefore speak English, but that hasn’t helped their parents.  They’re all really lovely people and anxious to learn, so the onus is on me to deliver, but this one’s a real challenge.

It’s only two hours, but if anyone’s driving around the Surrey/Berkshire borders tomorrow at about lunchtime and sees a woman in a little car, gripping the steering wheel with a glazed expression and with her hair sticking out all over the place, don’t worry. It will mean I’ve survived another week.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Documentation, Dead Birds and Darkness


Yesterday was a funny old day back in Nowhere-on-Thames.

It was the day of my once-in-a-blue moon teaching observation at college, so my boss was due to attend my evening class and check whether I’d forgotten how to teach.  As I’ve said before, I hesitate to use the term “teacher” to describe myself, lest I am found out, so I always assume that THIS will be the occasion when the finding-out happens.

The worst part of the process (for me, anyway) is that there appears to be an unhealthy obsession with paperwork.  There’s nothing (in my view) more likely to stifle any spontaneity and naturalness in a class of students than someone who is following a lesson plan so prescriptive that every move, activity and behaviour is documented and timed. However, someone in the Department for Education and Skills, or whatever it’s called this week, has decreed that we need to document everything, and It Shall Be So. 

Armed with my seven page Scheme of Work, my  three page Lesson Plan (later deemed “lacking in detail” – give me strength!) I was about to sally forth and be observed, when the reason for the cat’s incessant mewing revealed itself. He was sitting on the stairs in a small cloud of feathers, tucking into a bird. Yeuk!

This was not good news.. I was planning to arrive at college a little earlier than usual, so as to prepare for my class and appear calm, organised and ready long before the appointed hour. I had NOT factored into my plans the extra time required to dispose of a dead bird and a duvet’s-worth of feathers, or to scrub the resultant stains from the landing carpet. The cat sensed my displeasure and did a runner. I arrived at college with enough time to spare, but a little warmer and more frazzled  than planned.

The college part went well. I’d organised a food tasting in order for the students to learn some new adjectives to describe tastes, textures and give opinions, and they seemed to have fun. The Italian students were particularly impressed with haggis, to the point that one of them willingly took all the leftovers home for his dinner!

Arriving home in the car, I approached the front door to find the house in darkness. I initially took this as a sign that TH had decided to have an early night, and made a mental note to remind him that my eyesight is not good enough to find the keyhole in such gloom.  Eventually, after several abortive attempts to insert the key in the lock, I succeeded, only to walk in and see TH sitting at the dining table bathed in candlelight. Ran a mental check…not my birthday or TH’s, too early for Mothers’ Day, too late for Valentine’s Day, Wedding anniversary next month…”We’re having a power cut”, said TH.

It was the strangest power cut I’ve ever experienced. After a candlelight search of the Yellow Pages (lucky I hadn’t thrown them away: who uses them any more when Google is so handy?) we found a number to call, and a recorded voice told us that we were in the same boat as most of the Greater Nowhere area.  A “Problem” had been discovered and was being investigated. This was especially odd, as our immediate neighbours’ house was bathed in light, as were several of the houses opposite. Neighbours were, despite the lateness of the hour, milling in the street, trying to see what was going on. One house opposite us, divided into flats, had power to the ground floor flat, but upstairs was in darkness. Another neighbour, driving home, had crossed a bridge over the M4 motorway just as a whole section of it plunged into darkness as the street lights went out.

Lessons were learned:
  • -        A Kindle is rubbish by candlelight
  • -        A gas hob is a godsend as long as it doesn’t take you over an hour to remember that you    can light it when there’s no electricity
  • -         Never  hide your candles in the darkest corner of the house
  • -         Torches are only useful if they contain batteries

TH and I retired to bed to sleep through the power cut, trudging upstairs like Mr and Mrs Wee Willie Winkie with our candles and glum expressions.


This morning, normal service had been resumed, but it seems we were without power for a good seven hours. The only positive thing was that, owing to my absence in Nowhere-in France last week, TH had eaten his way through most of the contents of the freezer!