Once upon a payslip...

Well, I don’t quite know how I got myself into this, but it’s too late now.

Some months ago, a client asked me if I would take on the task of becoming their translator. They’re in the midst of a French acquisition, they’re an American company, and in-house French speakers are thin on the ground. I said yes, because I quite enjoy the cerebral challenge of doing translations and because…well…because I need the money.

Anyway, it all started off quite gently, and I was pleased I’d agreed. Pleased, that is, apart from when I went off to Nowhere-in-France for the first time in forever without my laptop, and got an e-mail whilst I was on the way to the airport with an “emergency” translation. This meant that I firstly had to acquire a notepad.

I don’t know if anyone has ever tried to buy a notepad in WH Smith at Stansted, but let me warn you. They have two. One is £15 and is leather-bound, and the other is slightly larger than a postage stamp. And there was me thinking that WHS were famous for stationery! With the help of a friendly assistant, I managed to find something suitable on the shelf stacked with games to amuse the under-twelves, and parked myself in the coffee shop to set to work. It was all fairly straightforward, and I arrived in France with my carefully-written translation, where friends lent me a spare laptop, neighbours gave me internet access, and the job was done.

A few other little jobs came my way, and then, last week, my contact sent me an e-mail. It started off by saying “Here is a lengthy translation for you (sorry about that!). It's also a payroll tender document, so it's not even something exciting.” Well, a more accurate assessment of the situation would be hard to find. It’s actually 120 pages of minutiae about the French company’s payroll software, and I’m not yet halfway through and already I’ve lost the will to live. I’ve also got a frozen neck, a bad back and an overwhelming urge to grab Nicolas Sarkozy warmly by the throat, but I am pretty sure I won’t be alone on that last bit.

It’s so boring that bits I’ve already translated just don’t ring a bell when I come across them a paragraph later. It’s also so chock-a-block with acronyms that I am beginning to think they’ve just added them in to make my eyes rotate in their sockets.

So, here’s a little quiz for you. No, I don’t know all the answers, but I will have written them down somewhere.  It starts gently enough, but then it gets worse and worse…

ASSEDIC, URSSAF, CDD, CDI  (easy, huh? Just you wait…) 

DADSU, PERCO, CSG, CRDS, AED, N4DS, DIF, STC, AGS, ARRCO,AGIRC,GMP,AGFF,APEC,CIPS,CIPC R, DUE,CIX, TA, TB,CCNSA,CE,DP,IJSS…….. 

And I’m only on page 20 of 45 in the second of three documents…

I may be some time.