Superfast Broadband...or a carrier pigeon?

As part of a fiendish plan to rid my life of Orange (after they increased their prices JUST enough to hurt, but not quite enough to fall foul of an OFCOM regulation that would have allowed customers to leave them for breach of contract), I changed internet provider in early February.

After much deliberation (in which I included TH, even though he has barely mastered the internet and still types with two fingers), we decided to opt for BT. Not just any old BT contract for us. Oh no, we decided to go for BT Infinity – “superfast” broadband, delivering our internet pages to our screens  faster than a speeding bullet. If, indeed, a bullet speeds at less than 40 megabytes per second: who knows?

On February 7^th, the engineer came (don’t tell TH I called him an engineer: he gets very precious about how they’re not real engineers...). He climbed up ladders, round furniture and so on, and declared the new internet “installed”. And it was. Browsing the internet was speedy and all was well. We had been advised that things might take a few days to settle down, and that our speeds could fluctuate, so for those first few days we weren’t too concerned when “superfast” slowed to a trickle. However, as time progressed, we were getting a lot more trickle and a lot less superfast, so I called the BT helpline.

You may recall, if you’ve read any other posts on my blog, that when I was having computer problems I was practically begging for a call centre on the Indian Sub-continent. I take it all back…

The BT call centre is now on my speed dial. I will spare you the need to be dragged kicking and screaming through my personal hell, but suffice to say that, with our broadband speed dropping quite often to speeds so low that it would be more effective to send messages by carrier pigeon, I’ve rung them often. They seemed to believe that, if I could get a good speed by sitting on the floor of my first-floor study with an Ethernet connection, then there wasn’t a problem. The fact that we mostly use the internet on wireless connections, sitting in the comfort of a chair or sofa downstairs, wasn’t quite getting through. We’ve had two further visits from a tech…er…engineer, and a nicer man you could not wish to meet. However, after his second visit, he confessed that he believed the fault to lie with BT Wholesale (the ultimate service provider) and not us, our house, or any of the equipment. He also suggested we complain like mad. So we did. Letters of complaint, e-mails to ISPA (The Internet Service Providers’ Association) and more phone calls. In the end, TH cancelled our Direct Debit.

This came at a point where BT India had left us two messages, and then failed to try and call us back again. Instead, they sent TH a text, saying “We are pleased to hear that your internet problem is solved”. Where and how they came to that conclusion may forever remain a mystery, but it wasn’t anything we’d said!!

It’s funny how the mind of Big Business works…within 48 hours of cancelling our Direct Debit, we had a call from BT (left in the form of a voice SMS) to say that, as we’d cancelled the DD, we would henceforth be paying £5 a month extra in processing charges. Within 3 days, someone phoned to say “We see you’ve cancelled your DD. Would you like to reinstate it?” at which point the red mist descended. I pointed out (quite politely, I thought, under the circs) that I couldn’t get an answer or an incoming phone call from BT internet, but that as soon as we stopped the DD we were practically inundated with calls. Odd, that, isn’t it? In fairness, the lady I was speaking to did point out that the payments department and the technical department aren’t related, but she did agree to look further into the background.

So, yesterday….after about twelve phone calls and two house visits to date….someone from BT in the UK phoned. Janice. Janice was nice, friendly and helpful. She was also a Geordie, but this time, unlike the man from HP, I understood every word. We talked through the situation and she arranged ANOTHER visit from an engineer. We had it all planned for Saturday, so that TH and I would both be here. That lasted all of half an hour before she called back to change it to today.

As I sat waiting for the man to come, about half an hour ago, the phone rang. To my surprise, it was a lady from BT in India. The conversation went like this:

BT Lady: “I’m ringing about your letter. I understand you’re having problems with your broadband connection” (Full marks for noticing, I thought…)

Me: “Yes, that’s right. But I’m not sure why you are ringing now” (Backing noise of BT lady saying “Mmm…..Mmm..” in an empathetic and understanding way).

BT Lady: “I’m going to put you through to our technical department right now and we will fix the problem”

Me: “But I have an appointment this afternoon for an engineer to come to my house and try to fix the problem. I’m not sure what good it’s going to do for me to speak to someone right now” (Same understanding/empathetic Mmmm-ing from BT lady throughout)

BT Lady: “Can I call you back in two minutes?”

Me: “Yes, no problem”

TWO MINUTES LATER…..

BT Lady: “I’m ringing about your letter. I understand you’re having problems with your broadband connection” (Is it Groundhog day? Am I having a déjà-vu experience?)

Me: “Yes, that’s right. But as I was just saying, I’m not sure why you are ringing now”.               (“Mmm…..Mmm..” again…) “I spoke to your UK technical department yesterday and they’ve arranged an appointment for someone to come and have a look at the internet this afternoon”

BT Lady: “So, I’m going to put you through to the technical department now, and we will help you to fix the problem right away”

Me: “I’m sorry, but have you been listening to a word I’ve just said?”

Sound of dead line as BT lady hangs up…..

So, I rang my friend Janice. She was very apologetic. I explained that I spend most of my working life speaking to non-native English speakers, and I don’t think I have a problem with speaking clearly and simply to make myself understood, but that BT Lady had apparently defeated me. She clearly had her script, and had been trained to stick to it through thick and thin…

Cavalry has just arrived…I will keep you informed.